Then the daydreaming stops and my view of the present is my husband at his laptop answering emails or perusing Facebook or completing an assignment for another class. He only looks up when he is asked a question or someone changes the channel, immersed in his cyber solace. I can see my 10 year old daughter on her iPod texting her best friend or downloading her new favorite song. She is still a little girl although her body defies that, her thoughts and world are still full of innocence and wonder. I can see my 8 year old son drawing a picture of his newest anime character while watching the newest Air-Bender episode. He dreams of creating things no one else ever has, living in a world of a bit of reality and fantasy, always asking questions and searching for answers. I can not see my 18 year old son because he is upstairs brooding in his room because he was stood up by his friend yet again. He emerges for food and showering and complaining and will be graduating in 9 days, leaving for boot camp in 15. I can not see my 22 year old daughter because I do not know where she is or what she is doing. She has alienated herself from our family with her choices, her actions and her words. With all the hurt and the distance, I still miss her. I can not see my 22 year old son because his visiting hours were yesterday and I can not bring myself to take his calls, let alone visit him while he is incarcerated. He is waiting for an open bed in a rehab facility, counting down the days until his release so he can see his 3 year old son and meet his one year old daughter. I pray for redemption for him and his young family.
Sometimes I long for the view from my dream home, where there does not seem to be any heartache or questioning, where there is only dinner to be washed away, not tears or uncertainty. And then I realize that those I can see right now and right here before me, my husband and my 10 year old and 8 year old.....they are my dream and my reality. God has given me more than my daydreaming ever could.
I just need to embrace it and enjoy the view.