It's Been a Minute

Well, five years later and not much has changed with Josh unfortunately. He was released from prison on October 13, 2023 and was able to keep things together for two weeks before diving head first back into addiction and his old lifestyle. He hasn't been home but briefly for months and he seems stuck in what to do next/how to make the necessary changes to get on track and see his children. Although, Kaysen and Kiyah are not sure if they want to see him or when. They are angry and hurt and sad. And I hate that for them. I know Josh does not want it to be that way but.....

In other news, Rick and I both graduated from WGU with our teaching degrees in the fall of 2020. He was able to be the teacher of record officially for the computer science classes he had been long term subbing/teaching for 10+ years. I officially started teaching again in the fall of 2021. My first two years of teaching 4th grade were challenging, but I am in third grade this year and enjoying teaching again. It's not perfect but it is good. Rick has been leading a robotics club that Kari helps him with two afternoons a week at his school and they have attended the worlds competition in Dallas, TX twice - in 2022 and 2023.

Kari graduated from HS in 2020 and was awarded a full scholarship at UVA. She completed her first year online during the pandemic but returned home after a week at UVA in 2021 and now works at my school as a fulltime IEP clerk and is rocking her position! She started out as a TSA when she come home early and has been an amazing addition to the MES staff. She has awesome relationships with staff members and students and is loved by so many.

Noah graduated from HS in 2022 and is currently working at Starbucks as he pursues his drag queen career. He has performed in several shows in DC and Baltimore and does all his own makeup, choreography and outfits. He worked at LMS with Rick as a TSA for a year but was a bit stressed working with students with special needs all day. He was amazing at it but wanted a job that was a bit less emotionally stressful. He also just purchased his first car!

Devin and Austin are still living in PA and he works at a local radio station as a sports reporter. Devin is bartending and waitressing. We don't get to see them as much as we would like to, though.

Cody is in MD but we have not seen him or the girls in 8 years. He and Brianne divorced a few years ago and Hayden just turned 9 this month. We have never met Dakota and she will be 8 this December. 

Kaysen is now 13 and in 8th grade. I cannot believe he will be in HS next year. He is such a smart, responsible and lovable kiddo. Kiyah is 11 and just started MS this year. She is doing well navigating new educational territory. She is creative, talented and quirky. We enjoy getting them once a month and spending time at the local Amish market, fishing, going to the movies or swimming. 

This life Rick and I have been building doesn't look much like I thought it would but it is still good. I am looking forward to us celebrating 25 years of red, hot monogamy next July. We may even mark the milestone anniversary with a trip and matching tattoos.

I do love my life and I am very grateful. I am looking forward to us buying a house and Rick getting his master's degree this year. I am hoping to finish all of my certification requirements to be able to start a reading specialist master's in the spring of 2025. I enjoy being back in the classroom but know I do not have the patience to do it long term. But, for now I do enjoy teaching and love seeing my students learn and grow.

13 Years

Every time I see a young man walking down the street, hood up, baggy jeans and tennis shoes, I slow down to see if it is you even though I know it can't be.

I look at their faces and into their eyes to see if I can see the same emptiness and brokenness I saw in your eyes the last time I saw you in front of that dilapidated house on that dark street in that drug infested, crime ridden neighborhood.

I can hear you say, "I love you, Ma." as you hugged me and walked back toward the house where she waited for you to bring in the milk and toilet paper and cigarettes that I didn't want to buy you. I hate that you smoke. Those two little girls didn't deserve to have to wait for milk for their cereal that I am sure was their dinner because their momma sold her food stamps for some weed and heroin to shoot in her arm. And I know you used the drugs, too. As much as I hate that you smoke, I hate it more that you are a drug addict. That your loyalty to her, your addiction and those girls landed you in a place far away from your family, especially your children.

And she has moved on to someone else who will buy her girls milk and let her get high while they finish their cereal for dinner. And she will tell herself that she saved your life that day she turned you in and maybe she did.

I like to believe that she did because even though it has been 2 years since we dropped off milk and cigarettes to you, you are in a place where you have a warm bed, and food and even though it is not the safest place at times for you because you can't keep your thoughts, words and hands to yourself, I know where you are. I don't have to wonder if you are out in the cold or ODing in an abandoned house in the city or lonely.

I know where you are is not where you want to be and you say you are ready to run hard away from the life you have known for 13 years, that you want your children to get to know their father, not in letters or phone calls, but in their lives, fully present and you want a lucrative job making honest money, building a home and life you and your children can be proud of....finally.

And I so hope and pray that that is true because I do not want to pass another young man with his hood up, in baggy jeans wearing tennis shoes wondering if it is you. I want to see you, standing in front of me wearing purpose and pride in who you are and Whose you are with your children next to you with a future before you and your family surrounding you.

I can not wait to see you as the man I prayed God would raise you up to be when I chose to have you. He chose you and I chose you and I hope this time you choose yourself, too.           

Forgotten Words

Seems like life's stresses and struggles have taken my words from me. I used to love to blog and I used to love to read blogs. Now, it's like I skim over words online, in texts, in books, in emails. My love for words have been taken from me and I am not sure how to get it back.

When I started this blog, it was to let family and friends in TX and other places know what was going on with our family in MD. The kiddos were younger and I seemed to have a lot to say and share. Now, it seems like my words have been silenced and if I share, it is just bits and pieces on Facebook and Instagram.

Life was hard back then and it is hard now, but I guess I thought people were more interested back then than they are now. I am not sure that anyone even knows that I have a blog. I used to bookmark it and share it or let people know when I updated, but that hasn't felt right in a long time. Almost like if you stumble upon it, then read on, but if you are not aware of it, you won't be.

Time has not stopped or even slowed down and almost a year has gone by since I wrote here. I am still struggling with the why of redoing my education, but the work and courses have gotten easier, so the why seems less important. I still have a lot of classes to complete, but I know it will happen, so I just take it one class at a time. Rick is finally re-enrolled to complete his degree. If he is able to focus, he could finish by the fall and be a teacher instead of a long term substitute. It would be awesome for him to be recognized properly for his hard work.

Kari has worked hard all junior year - 4 AP classes, three honor societies. She barely sleeps and yet keeps her grades up - straight As - and manages the school's ultimate Frisbee team and holds offices in the honor societies and for her class. I worry that she is doing too much, but she seems to thrive on being busy. She is going to be taking driving classes this simmer and is looking for a part time job.

Noah is navigating his first year of high school pretty well. He is still figuring out his recent diagnosis of social and general anxiety. It affects his attendance and his grades, so we are also looking into ADD, adjusting/adding meds and more intense counseling. He is very involved in the drama club and has been success as a techie and recently in the One Acts. He is also teaching himself to sew and play the piano. 

Devin and Austin just celebrated their one year anniversary while Cody and Brianne are filing for a divorce after three years. Austin was accepted into the sports journalism program at Penn State, so they moved closer to the college and are about three hours away now. It seems Cody is going to stay in TX close to the girls when at first he was looking to move to PA. Brianne is planning to stay in TX with her current boyfriend. Rick and I will be in TX for his 30th reunion at the end of June and would love to get a chance to meet Hayden and Dakota, but are not sure if that will happen since Cody is still not speaking to us.   

I got to see Josh right after Easter. He looked good - sober and healthy. He should be moving to a facility closer to home soon and should be released by Christmas 2020. It will good to have him home and see God move in his life. He is currently working in the center's barber shop and would like to join a union for tradesmen when he is released.

As mentioned above, Rick is finally enrolled for his final term of his undergrad degree. He had to take a psychology of learning class in April and it wad brutal. 91 assignments and 2 5 paged papers along with several quizzes. He finished it with a 99.5%! If he can do all of that in 4 weeks, I am pretty confident that he can finish his last term by the end of the summer.

I have two finals left to finish my current term that ends on May 31. I am switching to a non licensure program, so I can get my degree without having to quit my job to complete the demonstration teaching. I will have to pass several Praxis tests to get my certification from MD but will be able to do it without losing my current position or our health insurance. It is not exactly what i wanted to do, but it will be the best course of action for now. I could be back to full time teaching in the fall of 2020. 

Kaysen and Kiyah just turned 9 and 7! Kaysen has a phone and we have been able to talk, text and send videos to each other. It is really neat to be able to connect daily instead of just when we see them once a month.

So thankful we only have 23 days left of school! I might have to work summer school this summer, but for a few weeks, it will be sleeping in and swimming in the pool days! So looking forward to it!






     

Oh, What a Wicked Web I Weave

I failed my math final. It is hard not to be discouraged when things like this happen because I already worked my butt off to get my degree when I was a single mom 24 years ago. I stayed up, lost sleep and paid for my college. I graduated magna cum laude. It was not easy, but I finished in four years and taught for six years. Some of my former students are nurses, teachers, chefs, plumbers, pastors, wives, husbands and parents. It wasn't for nought, but what the heck was it for??

Now, I am almost $24,000 in debt to redo a degree I have already completed. I am spending time studying and working on courses I have already taken.  I am missing out on time with my husband and children and making my house a home.

I went back to school for all the wrong reasons and I am not sure how to fix it. I don't want to quit again, but I hate being in school. I do not want to do it again.

I think I relied on what going back to school could give me in the moment - refunds to help supplement income so we didn't get into further debt even though it didn't help and we are in debt. Instead of trusting God to provide for us, I chose to believe that it was best to sacrifice the future for what was needed in the present. I believed that we needed help with our finances and could get it through federal assistance instead of relying on Providential assistance. And now I can not go back and change it.

We can not continue to live in MD with the cost of living what it is and not have Rick and I have our teaching certification. And even then I am not sure how we will afford our own place. Or be able to pay back our student loans.

It is a wicked web I am weaving, but I do not want to do it anymore.

Disconnected

I am not sure how it started. I guess maybe it was a genuine illness at first. Then the teenager babysat a little late on a Saturday night. Then we overslept. Then it just became normal not to go to church. We talked about watching online and a few times we actually did, but not necessarily the whole service or only one of us even watched.

Easter was the last time we attended as a family. We have attended once since then without the teenagers.

I can not remember the last time the boy attended Friday night youth.

We pray before meals, but family devotions are nonexistent and we only pray as a couple when I ask.

I am tired of asking.

I did a pretty good job of faking it as a online Bible study leader a few months ago. I couldn't do it again. I am following a Bible study plan on an app right now, but I have to constantly tell myself to refocus and reread just about all of it. Prayer time is mostly just wondering how in the world I got to this place in my life, in my marriage, in my parenting.

I am not sure if the shift actually came when the racial tension of the Union heightened and the church leaders felt the need to take political stances when what we really needed was shepherding. A place that was suppose to feel safe and welcoming began to feel abrasive and judgmental. Events were scheduled, comments were made. It became less about connection and more about being forced to accept, but not necessarily be accepted. How does that foster connection?

I miss the days of postcards in the mail and phone calls made when you miss a service or two or five. When someone visits you on a Thursday because you've missed a Sunday. It is easier now than back then to reach out to someone and yet it doesn't even happen. At least in our case, actually, maybe it's just my case, it hasn't.

Not being missed among the shift in focus, of what is important, what is suppose to be at the center of worship and fellowship hurts. Life is better connected, huh? Not when no one bothers to check in or reconnect. There always seems to be an inner circle. It is hard to be on the outside of it.

I think there are a lot of people talking about what is needed and best and good, but not a lot of leading others into it or being examples of it.

Talk is cheap. Unless it is in red in the Word. Then we should take notice and take action.

There is so much that I miss. So much I did not expect. But, it is what it is, I guess. I am too tired for it to be otherwise right now.

So very, very tired. 


 

When Mother's Day is Hard

From the very first Mother's Day I celebrated, it has not been easy. It is hard to celebrate when you are a single momma and your child is young. My parents, especially my mom would always try to make sure my son made me a card and bought me a gift. But, it was still bittersweet. When I got married, it was hard to be away from my mom on Mother's Day and celebrating with my MIL and SIL was challenging. My husband made the day special, though and since I am not high maintenance, a low key day was always my favorite way to celebrate.

Breakfast with ice coffee, lunch at home, a nap and dinner and dessert made me feel special. Cards and a gift were a bonus, but not a necessity. Flowers for the porch, a baseball hat or a coveted book are a few of my favorite gifts.

Once the older three kiddos were out of the house, it got hard again. A card sent for a step mother one year, followed by years of no calls, no cards, not even a text. I didn't expect calls from Josh since he has been incarcerated for the past 4 or more Mother's Days. Devin and Cody will acknowledge a woman who abused them, allowed others to abuse them and did not desire to have custody of them over someone that tried so hard to fill in the gaps of a woman who never really wanted to be a mother in the first place. Was I perfect? Far from it. I allowed my expectations to cloud my judgment and my actions many times, but I loved them with the same love I have for my biological children. I still love them. Many times, I fought for them, cried for and with them, allowed them to tear our family apart more times than I can count and yet.....

I never wanted to replace their mother. Even as dysfunctional as their relationships are with their mother, I never wanted to replace her. I wanted to redeem a broken situation. And they allowed me to think that I could, that I was, but when things got ugly and hard, I was the one they blamed along with their father who fought for them and still fights for them even though it hurts and breaks his heart. We wanted to show them how a marriage should look, how a family should be and what love acts like in true, Godly fashion. And yet, we are the ones to shut out of their lives, to blame.

I guess we are the easiest ones to blame. If they blame her, she will stop loving them, stop financing them. We have shown unconditional love time and time again, covered in forgiveness, longing to be loved and forgiven.  And they can not be to blame because then they have to face the reality of their choices and actions and their responsibility for them.  Ignorance is bliss, I guess.  But, I cannot live that way. I have soul searched far too often, asked for forgiveness and now need to move on. Each May, I rehash the same feelings and thoughts, wondering what I should have done differently, could have done differently and the conclusion is always the same, even if it is not easy.     

I am not their mother even if they called me Mom. I am not their mother even if I made them breakfast, washed their clothes, kissed their boo boos and helped with their homework. Cheering them from the sidelines and the audience, making them dinner, tucking them in.....none of it makes me their mother. Shopping for her first bra, attending his boot camp graduation and taking them to the doctor's doesn't make me their mother. My definition of mothering must be very different from theirs. So, maybe I need to let go of the expectation of a card or call on a day set aside for mothers because I am not theirs. And never will be.

But, I am the woman that loves their father fiercely and will do whatever I need to to protect their siblings and our family. I will not allow them to hurt their siblings or their father anymore. Because even if I am not their mother, I am Kari and Noah's. And even though I am no where near perfect, I am pretty good at it. That is where my focus needs to be. On my family that is under my roof right now. Because they made Mother's Day amazing!

   

Kicking Back

This new semester has been kicking my butt! It started in December and ends in May and I still have three classes to finish. I completed the first course pretty quickly and then life happened and illnesses happened and depression reared its ugly head and an anxiety diagnoses for the youngest boy was given and a 3 year long jail sentence was handed down for the oldest boy with 7 more court dates and charges to go and depression tightened its grip and.....

Homework and classwork has been really hard to concentrate on in the last few months. There has been a lot of hard - physically and emotionally and I have not handled it well. I tried to stay focused and keep busy, but I keep coming back to sad. So sad I am missing church and Bible study and seeing the physical and mental toll it is taking on me. I joined a grief and loss support group at my church and that has helped when I have been able to go, but sometimes, it is too much to get myself up and out the door.   

I feel like there is just more and more to grieve. I look for the hopeful and the joyful and then there is just more sad and disappointment. I know that is not where God wants to keep me nor does He want me to stay there, but I am getting used to, almost very comfortable in the valley. Like that is where I feel I belong and where I know God can meet me and understands if I am there. So, I stay. 

I have also been subbing in an alternate curriculum classroom and it is hard. The physical and emotional demands are constant and overwhelming at times. And the reason I am there is sad and hard. An accusation, a lie, an investigation, a career ruined, a classroom changed. It has just been too much.

And on Friday I found a lump or a mass or something on the right side of my rib cage and the concern is back and the emotional drain that comes with what if and what now and how much more.

But....I have completed several modules for science and the work on my first task for my next class as been started and I feel like I am kicking back a little bit.

And I will rest and I will wait and I will look for the good and the truth and the redemption that always comes and is promised.

The promise of spring break and a weekend with the grandkiddos and a women's conference and donuts and coffee with ladies that want to champion for the cause of life and dates with my husband and shopping with my girl and practicing lines for his play with the boy. And letters to the detention center with pictures. And phone calls from the detention center. And money raised for the trip of a lifetime. And free coffee coupons. And worship songs and prayers of friends. And the strength of my husband to uplift me and keep things running in the household when I can not get out of bed.   

I am starting to feel the kick back.