Every time I see a young man walking down the street, hood up, baggy jeans and tennis shoes, I slow down to see if it is you even though I know it can't be.
I look at their faces and into their eyes to see if I can see the same emptiness and brokenness I saw in your eyes the last time I saw you in front of that dilapidated house on that dark street in that drug infested, crime ridden neighborhood.
I can hear you say, "I love you, Ma." as you hugged me and walked back toward the house where she waited for you to bring in the milk and toilet paper and cigarettes that I didn't want to buy you. I hate that you smoke. Those two little girls didn't deserve to have to wait for milk for their cereal that I am sure was their dinner because their momma sold her food stamps for some weed and heroin to shoot in her arm. And I know you used the drugs, too. As much as I hate that you smoke, I hate it more that you are a drug addict. That your loyalty to her, your addiction and those girls landed you in a place far away from your family, especially your children.
And she has moved on to someone else who will buy her girls milk and let her get high while they finish their cereal for dinner. And she will tell herself that she saved your life that day she turned you in and maybe she did.
I like to believe that she did because even though it has been 2 years since we dropped off milk and cigarettes to you, you are in a place where you have a warm bed, and food and even though it is not the safest place at times for you because you can't keep your thoughts, words and hands to yourself, I know where you are. I don't have to wonder if you are out in the cold or ODing in an abandoned house in the city or lonely.
I know where you are is not where you want to be and you say you are ready to run hard away from the life you have known for 13 years, that you want your children to get to know their father, not in letters or phone calls, but in their lives, fully present and you want a lucrative job making honest money, building a home and life you and your children can be proud of....finally.
And I so hope and pray that that is true because I do not want to pass another young man with his hood up, in baggy jeans wearing tennis shoes wondering if it is you. I want to see you, standing in front of me wearing purpose and pride in who you are and Whose you are with your children next to you with a future before you and your family surrounding you.
I can not wait to see you as the man I prayed God would raise you up to be when I chose to have you. He chose you and I chose you and I hope this time you choose yourself, too.
Wednesday, November 06, 2019
Sunday, May 12, 2019
Forgotten Words
Seems like life's stresses and struggles have taken my words from me. I used to love to blog and I used to love to read blogs. Now, it's like I skim over words online, in texts, in books, in emails. My love for words have been taken from me and I am not sure how to get it back.
When I started this blog, it was to let family and friends in TX and other places know what was going on with our family in MD. The kiddos were younger and I seemed to have a lot to say and share. Now, it seems like my words have been silenced and if I share, it is just bits and pieces on Facebook and Instagram.
Life was hard back then and it is hard now, but I guess I thought people were more interested back then than they are now. I am not sure that anyone even knows that I have a blog. I used to bookmark it and share it or let people know when I updated, but that hasn't felt right in a long time. Almost like if you stumble upon it, then read on, but if you are not aware of it, you won't be.
Time has not stopped or even slowed down and almost a year has gone by since I wrote here. I am still struggling with the why of redoing my education, but the work and courses have gotten easier, so the why seems less important. I still have a lot of classes to complete, but I know it will happen, so I just take it one class at a time. Rick is finally re-enrolled to complete his degree. If he is able to focus, he could finish by the fall and be a teacher instead of a long term substitute. It would be awesome for him to be recognized properly for his hard work.
Kari has worked hard all junior year - 4 AP classes, three honor societies. She barely sleeps and yet keeps her grades up - straight As - and manages the school's ultimate Frisbee team and holds offices in the honor societies and for her class. I worry that she is doing too much, but she seems to thrive on being busy. She is going to be taking driving classes this simmer and is looking for a part time job.
Noah is navigating his first year of high school pretty well. He is still figuring out his recent diagnosis of social and general anxiety. It affects his attendance and his grades, so we are also looking into ADD, adjusting/adding meds and more intense counseling. He is very involved in the drama club and has been success as a techie and recently in the One Acts. He is also teaching himself to sew and play the piano.
Devin and Austin just celebrated their one year anniversary while Cody and Brianne are filing for a divorce after three years. Austin was accepted into the sports journalism program at Penn State, so they moved closer to the college and are about three hours away now. It seems Cody is going to stay in TX close to the girls when at first he was looking to move to PA. Brianne is planning to stay in TX with her current boyfriend. Rick and I will be in TX for his 30th reunion at the end of June and would love to get a chance to meet Hayden and Dakota, but are not sure if that will happen since Cody is still not speaking to us.
I got to see Josh right after Easter. He looked good - sober and healthy. He should be moving to a facility closer to home soon and should be released by Christmas 2020. It will good to have him home and see God move in his life. He is currently working in the center's barber shop and would like to join a union for tradesmen when he is released.
As mentioned above, Rick is finally enrolled for his final term of his undergrad degree. He had to take a psychology of learning class in April and it wad brutal. 91 assignments and 2 5 paged papers along with several quizzes. He finished it with a 99.5%! If he can do all of that in 4 weeks, I am pretty confident that he can finish his last term by the end of the summer.
I have two finals left to finish my current term that ends on May 31. I am switching to a non licensure program, so I can get my degree without having to quit my job to complete the demonstration teaching. I will have to pass several Praxis tests to get my certification from MD but will be able to do it without losing my current position or our health insurance. It is not exactly what i wanted to do, but it will be the best course of action for now. I could be back to full time teaching in the fall of 2020.
Kaysen and Kiyah just turned 9 and 7! Kaysen has a phone and we have been able to talk, text and send videos to each other. It is really neat to be able to connect daily instead of just when we see them once a month.
So thankful we only have 23 days left of school! I might have to work summer school this summer, but for a few weeks, it will be sleeping in and swimming in the pool days! So looking forward to it!
When I started this blog, it was to let family and friends in TX and other places know what was going on with our family in MD. The kiddos were younger and I seemed to have a lot to say and share. Now, it seems like my words have been silenced and if I share, it is just bits and pieces on Facebook and Instagram.
Life was hard back then and it is hard now, but I guess I thought people were more interested back then than they are now. I am not sure that anyone even knows that I have a blog. I used to bookmark it and share it or let people know when I updated, but that hasn't felt right in a long time. Almost like if you stumble upon it, then read on, but if you are not aware of it, you won't be.
Time has not stopped or even slowed down and almost a year has gone by since I wrote here. I am still struggling with the why of redoing my education, but the work and courses have gotten easier, so the why seems less important. I still have a lot of classes to complete, but I know it will happen, so I just take it one class at a time. Rick is finally re-enrolled to complete his degree. If he is able to focus, he could finish by the fall and be a teacher instead of a long term substitute. It would be awesome for him to be recognized properly for his hard work.
Kari has worked hard all junior year - 4 AP classes, three honor societies. She barely sleeps and yet keeps her grades up - straight As - and manages the school's ultimate Frisbee team and holds offices in the honor societies and for her class. I worry that she is doing too much, but she seems to thrive on being busy. She is going to be taking driving classes this simmer and is looking for a part time job.
Noah is navigating his first year of high school pretty well. He is still figuring out his recent diagnosis of social and general anxiety. It affects his attendance and his grades, so we are also looking into ADD, adjusting/adding meds and more intense counseling. He is very involved in the drama club and has been success as a techie and recently in the One Acts. He is also teaching himself to sew and play the piano.
Devin and Austin just celebrated their one year anniversary while Cody and Brianne are filing for a divorce after three years. Austin was accepted into the sports journalism program at Penn State, so they moved closer to the college and are about three hours away now. It seems Cody is going to stay in TX close to the girls when at first he was looking to move to PA. Brianne is planning to stay in TX with her current boyfriend. Rick and I will be in TX for his 30th reunion at the end of June and would love to get a chance to meet Hayden and Dakota, but are not sure if that will happen since Cody is still not speaking to us.
I got to see Josh right after Easter. He looked good - sober and healthy. He should be moving to a facility closer to home soon and should be released by Christmas 2020. It will good to have him home and see God move in his life. He is currently working in the center's barber shop and would like to join a union for tradesmen when he is released.
As mentioned above, Rick is finally enrolled for his final term of his undergrad degree. He had to take a psychology of learning class in April and it wad brutal. 91 assignments and 2 5 paged papers along with several quizzes. He finished it with a 99.5%! If he can do all of that in 4 weeks, I am pretty confident that he can finish his last term by the end of the summer.
I have two finals left to finish my current term that ends on May 31. I am switching to a non licensure program, so I can get my degree without having to quit my job to complete the demonstration teaching. I will have to pass several Praxis tests to get my certification from MD but will be able to do it without losing my current position or our health insurance. It is not exactly what i wanted to do, but it will be the best course of action for now. I could be back to full time teaching in the fall of 2020.
Kaysen and Kiyah just turned 9 and 7! Kaysen has a phone and we have been able to talk, text and send videos to each other. It is really neat to be able to connect daily instead of just when we see them once a month.
So thankful we only have 23 days left of school! I might have to work summer school this summer, but for a few weeks, it will be sleeping in and swimming in the pool days! So looking forward to it!
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