Tuesday, March 31, 2015

FMF - Break

Today started spring break for me and my family. It was cut a day short by an extra snow day our county had to take in the beginning of March. I enjoyed the snow day then, but wished we didn't have to lose a day of spring break yesterday, especially when I had to sub for one of the more rambunctious classes in the school I work for as a teachers' assistant.

I enjoy listening to our local Christian radio station on my way to and from work. Sometimes I can keep it on when the whole family is in the car - normally just on the way to Church on Sundays - but, since they prefer mainstream music to all Christian music all the time, the channel normally gets changed.

One song* that comes on regularly has a line in it that reads...... "I won't give you more, more than you can take. And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break."

Every time I sing those lyrics, I think, that is so untrue. So many times in this journey of relationship with Jesus, I have been broken, figuratively and literally. My heart as been broken, my faith has been broken, my dreams have been broken, my will has been broken, my body has been broken. Everything has been so broken.  

But, in that brokenness, every time, without fail God has been there. Sometimes I have had to search extra hard for Him, not because He is not there, but because I have hidden myself away from Him. I have had to sweep past the broken pieces, push away the pride and sin and look beyond my own hurt to find Him, but He is always there.

So, now more than I did before I welcome the broken pieces. They still hurt and are confusing and frustrating and I still, more times that I would like to admit, find myself far away from the One who wants to take those shattered moments and make them beautiful, but when I am broken, there is comfort, peace and freedom.


Link your FMF post to Kate's blog.


Tuesday, March 24, 2015

FMF - Real

I try so hard to be real, genuine. To not be fake or pretend. For the most part, I think I do a good job of "keeping it real". Maybe sometimes too real. I think there is a fine line between the two and I sometimes stumbled over that line. Forgetting to use my filter and letting whatever I think, come out of my mouth or whatever I am feeling inside be seen in my actions. Sometimes those things are good and sometimes those things are hurtful to myself and to others. I find it easy to be real around my family ,but sometimes at the cost of being real, I am blunt and to the point. And again, I find myself exposing my true feelings and thoughts at the cost of my husband and children's hearts. So many times, I forget to be real in the face of my Savior and I pretend that I have it all together or I smile and think that I have Him fooled. That everything is okay. That I have it all figured out. But, I don't. I need to be real during my quiet time, letting God see my already exposed heart and allowing Him to work in the places that need tweaking. I long for a real relationship with Him. 

 
Link up your FMF post to Kate's blog. 5 minutes, unedited and unscripted writing.
 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

FMF - Plan

I always have a plan. Even if it is not written out, it is in my mind. Sometimes I verbalize my plan to my husband and sometimes I don't. When something does not go according to plan, I get frustrated and then realize I never told him my plan.

So often, in my relationship with Jesus, I make sure I have a plan in place. I mean, it is good to have an idea of where you are going and how you are going to get there. But, more often than not, I forget that God's plan for me is bigger and better than mine. I forget or ignore that I should be leaning into Him to know His plan and purpose for me before I plan things out myself.

If I could remember that, I wouldn't get so frustrated when things happen that seem off plan or not how I wanted them to go. It is so easy to hurry along in life with my agenda before me, forgetting to even check and see if my plans align with God's plan. His should be the one I check first, aligning my dreams, ideas and plans with His. But, I so want to be in control of everything that I push aside what God may have for me. My agenda is so much more important than His at times.

Then, when things change or don't go my way, I am hurt and confused. But, I shouldn't be. I should be focusing on what God has planned and promised.

Jeremiah 29:11..... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

What an awesome reminder that God has plans for me and that they are good.

Now if I could just get my husband on board with some of my plans ;)

   
Link up your FMF post on Kate's blog. 5 minutes of writing, unedited, unscripted.

Sunday, March 08, 2015

FMF - Gather

We gather together to ask the Lord's blessings.....one of my favorite hymns to sing in chapel with my students during November.

Gathering.

At the end of the night, I gather up the dirty dishes, the laundry baskets, the school papers...sometimes I put them in their proper places and other times I just put them in one place to distribute later. But, I feel like I can not go to bed until I have gathered the scattered things.

When we moved back to MD, we used to have a monthly family gathering. we would meet at someone's house to eat, fellowship and celebrate. In the beginning, it was healing to be with my people, to laugh and love. Then, it became toxic. Things changed, people changed, people moved. It was more a scattering than a gathering.

We would take walks and the littles would gather treasures. Leaves, rocks, twigs, acorns. Whatever had fallen or been scattered about they would scoop up with their chubby little hands and hold them close until we got home. Then they would lay them out to gaze upon what they had collected. Somethings would be tossed aside, others given as gifts and others set in a special place.

Gathered.

 Right now life feels scattered. Feelings, plans, schedules, dreams strewn about. Some will be tossed aside, some will be used as gifts and others will be set in a special place. God right in the middle of it all.

God takes His arms and gathers me into them when I can not make sense of life, when I feel scattered. When my thoughts are strewn about and I can not make sense of it all.

Gathered. And loved.         

Link up your FMF post to Kate's blog. 5 minutes, unedited and unscripted.


Tuesday, March 03, 2015

FMF - Visit

As soon as I saw the word for this week's prompt, I instantly thought of my Mom-Mom and two special visits.

I knew my sister in law was having a baby shower for me to celebrate the arrival of my daughter. But, what I didn't know was that my grandmother and mother were surprising me at the shower. When I opened the door and saw them, it was amazing. I had moved 1300 miles away from my family and to be able to share this special day with them was incredible.

What was more amazing was that my grandmother was going to stay for the whole week and spend time with me and my new family. Mom-Mom didn't like to fly, but made the trip especially for me and was willing to travel home alone, since my mom had to get back for work, and spend extra time with me.

We had so much fun showing her around Dallas and our city. It was so nice to have breakfast with her and attend church with her. It was just such a special time.

Fast forward 4 years and my younger daughter, youngest son and I traveled back home to see my Mom-Mom after she was diagnosed with throat cancer. She was not given much time to live after she chose not to subject her 82 year old body to radiation and chemotherapy. It was a bittersweet visit, but one that I knew I needed to take when things were so uncertain. My husband and oldest son were able to join us for the weekend and spend time with Mom-Mom. It really meant a lot to me to have the there especially since my grandmother had helped raise my son before I married by husband when J was 9 years old.

Rather resistively, I moved back to my home town with my husband and children later that year after what I thought would be the last visit I had with my grandmother. We moved back in August and she suffered a serious setback that revealed that the cancer had spread to her lungs. She moved into the basement apartment with my parents, as we rented the top two floors of their house. My mother worked full time and since I was a stay at home momma at the time with my two toddlers, I was her daily care giver. I got to spend such precious moments with her before she went home to be with the Lord just a short month and a half after she moved in with my parents.

I am so blessed to have had those visits with my Mom-Mom and hope that my grandchildren will cherish the time they visit with me.

Link your FMF post on Kate's blog! 5 minutes, unedited words.

  

Love Yourself

Yesterday was a bit hard on this Momma's heart. I finally took Noah to a PT to have his toe walking issue evaluated. Seems his muscle to...