Tuesday, May 24, 2016

All the Feelings

Well, Josh is home for the time being. He arrived home sometime Wednesday morning even though he was suppose to be released the Thursday before then. I was on the phone for many hours on Monday Momma-Bearing it up with supervisors and anyone that would listen. Not many people wanted to and I was hung up on a few times, but he was finally released, so I guess it was worth it. There was a ridiculous error with paperwork that the city was not willing to look into and wanted to blame on the county. Thankfully, it was resolved and he was released.

I always have mixed emotions about him being home. I know he needs a time to adjust to having his freedom back, but my parents who allow him to stay with them and end up supporting him, want instant change, an instant job and instant responsibility from him. But, they have enabled him for so long that he uses his freedom as a free pass of sorts to go out and come in whenever he wants to and that infuriates them and makes them lash out at him and at us. I can not hear them complain about his early morning calls or not even coming home at all frustrations anymore. They need to have a conversation with him, set boundaries and guidelines and stick to them. But, since they have not done that for the past 10 years, he never takes them seriously. But, at 25 he needs to get his crap together. Everyone is affected when he is home, good or bad and it needs to change.

A friend of my mother's apparently had a job and a rehab/half way house for him to live in, but he does not want to live there. The job is contingent on living at the halfway house. But, Josh just got out of a place that had rules and regulations and does not want another one even if it means a job and a way to stay out of jail. Because he has a violation of probation hearing in a few weeks that could land him back in jail for as little as three months or up to nine months. A part of me understands and then a greater part of me is in disbelief that he would not take a great opportunity for improvement and a way to stay out of jail and be able to see his children.

And that is another whole story. His baby momma does not want him to see the children now if he could possibly be incarcerated at his hearing in a few weeks. And I get that, but I don't necessary agree with it. He miss them and they miss him. He called to talk to them and she didn't answer or return his call. Her pettiness at times is frustrating. Just be an adult and answer your phone or call back. Let him at least talk to the children. But, I am sure she is afraid he will tell them he is home and ask them to ask her to let him see them and she does not want to do that. Her prerogative I guess, but selfish in my opinion. I guess that is because I miss them, too and we can not have them for the weekend until after his hearing.

I had a dream the other night that Hayden came over and stayed for the day. It was so nice to see her and spend time with her and see Rick happy. He misses her so much. He contacted Cody again and there was no reply or response. Cody was cleared of all the charges from the night he called Rick to watch the baby at the hotel where Brianne left him and Hayden to go find her. Seems even though she pressed the assault and disorderly charges against him now as his wife she can refuse to testify against him. Must be one of the reasons they got married so fast and secretively. I just want to be able to see my granddaughter. Their problems are theirs to figure out in counseling and should not involve us not being able to see Hayden. She has probably forgotten all about us.

And do you know the most frustrating thing about Josh and Cody? Their choices and lifestyles have affected Kari and Noah. That makes me so mad. Kari and Noah should not have to fear Josh being home because of things that he has done in the past. They are very leery of him and his actions, words and promises. They love him, but are afraid that they will find out in a little bit that he is back in jail or worse. Noah, especially has heightened anxiety when he is home and it is hard to watch him cower when Josh goes to hug him or when Josh is home. The other day he forgot his key and Josh let him in the apartment to use the phone and after he called me, Noah stood out front waiting for Rick because he doesn't feel comfortable in the house alone with Josh. Breaks my heart.  And why should Kari and Noah not get to know their niece because Cody is acting selfish and immature? Not that he even thinks of them as his siblings, though. I am glad he and Devin has a close relationship, but she is not his only sibling. He has other siblings and they miss him and their niece.

It seems that I will indeed need to retake the Praxis I math test. I was hoping that my SAT scores would be high enough that I would not have to take it, but from that paperwork I received today, it looks like I am way below the needed score. I wasn't looking for the easy way out, but I did not want to retake the test because when I took it three years ago, I missed it by 2 points. When I took it a few weeks ago, I miss it by 18 points! When I schedule it this time I am buying the online study guide. I will take it online as many times as it will let me. And praying. A lot.  

And as excited as I am for this cohort program, I am a bit anxious about the time away from home and the course load. I am not very good at being a domestic goddess when I am working full time and now I will going to school as well. I will really need to get me, the hubby and the kiddos on a schedule. We have done it before and I know we can do it again. It will just take some time adjusting to a new schedule. But, everything worth having takes some adjusting to, right?

Counting down the days until the regular school year ends even though I am not sure why. Not getting a break until some time next year or June 2018. LOL

Friday, May 20, 2016

FMF - Expect

 I am not sure what I expected parenting to be like when I was pregnant with my first born. All of it - the morning sickness, the growing belly, the kicks and delivery - was all so new. I don't think I had any expectations at first.

But, then as I started raising my son as a single parent, I was faced with the expectations of others and of my own. I wanted my son to be the best behaved in the nursery, to not have any dirty diapers and to always say kind and cute things. I wanted him to be the best dressed in pre-K and be the first to read and write his name and to capture his teachers' hearts with his smile and his gentleness. I wanted him to be the best athlete on the field and have good sportsmanship. I wanted him to make honor roll and win blue ribbons at the science fair in elementary school. I wanted him to have friends and be liked and be happy.

Some people expected him to end up in jail as a result of living in a single parent household. Some people expected him to be just like his father, even though he was not around him enough to be just like him. Some people expected him to be a preacher or a teacher.

And I expected that God wanted good things for my son, too. But, God called us to be holy, not necessarily happy. Although I believe if we are striving toward holiness, we will be happy in our obedience to Him.

And even though, God wanted what was best and right for my son, His expectations were different. Not as an earthly parent, but as a Heavenly Father. Just like I wanted my son to reflect me in a positive way, God wanted my son to reflect Him.  

And for a time, he did. He was saved at a young age and involved with church and had a desire to see others become believers and strived to live a holy life.

Then the unexpected happened. Shoplifting. Skipping school. Drugs. Running away.

Not what I expected.

And his life looks a lot different now. Rebuilding a life with his children, with a career, without addiction, after incarceration.

It is not at all what I expected as a parent, but I remind myself that God is not shocked or undone by what has happened. He is still wanting. expecting my son to reflect Him again and is graciously, patiently expecting it to happen.

Make sure you link up your FMF blog post at Katie's blog!

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

FMF - Grow

I am a total black thumb by nature. I want to be a green thumb and have tried to cultivate a gardener's heart, but I normally end of giving up or killing whatever I have tried to plant and grow.

One of the most important part of the growth process I have been told is the pruning process. Taking the dead parts off of a plant or flower to allow for new growth. Maybe I just see the dead parts and assume there is no more life left, so I just give up on the plant. But, plucking away the dead parts is what allows the plant to grow and regrow. It is a tedious and long process at times and I am not good at waiting.

Thankfully, God is.  God is the master "wait-er". He waits patiently for us to come to Him for salvation. He waits graciously for us to ask for forgiveness and He waits lovingly for us enter His throne room to spend time with Him in prayer or just in the stillness.

And He patiently waits as I grow, most of the time at a slower rate than I should, never rushing me, just kindly redirecting me and guiding me.

I heard a quote a while ago that I think of often.....

Bloom where you are planted

I need to remember this so I can grow in the Lord and closer to Him,

Make sure you link up your FMF post on Katie's blog!


So many times I miss out on how God is moving in my life or in my family because my eyes are on the circumstances I want Him to change or work in and I forget the every day blessings He provides.

Even though we are in a bit of a financial snit right now, God is still moving and blessing us. We have learned to make sacrifices or wait for things which has helped with our entitlement issues. We have had to be creative and lean on others for things and have seen God moving and blessing us. Being accepted into the cohort, a FREE seat on the NYC trip with Kari, cooking dinners together instead of going out and participating in a yard sale that made us some money and helped us declutter the attic a bit. We have posted things on Craigslist and sacrificed our morning coffees =)

But, God is still moving. And He always is even when we don't see it or can't see it.    

Monday, May 09, 2016

FMF - Miss

So many times while my kiddos were young, I heard someone say the phrase, "You're going to miss this!". I wasn't always sure they were right. Would I really miss sleepless nights? Diaper changes? Nursing? Trying solid food for the first time? Learning to crawl, walk and talk? Potty training? Starting school? Loose teeth? All of it seemed so daunting then. But, now.....

I do miss some of those days. Buckling them into their car seats for play dates. Hearing real belly laughs for the first time. When they discovered their hands and feet. Snuggling in bed together watching PBS Kids and Disney Jr. in the early mornings. Singing them to sleep. I really do miss it.

But, I do not want to dwell on what I miss from when they were young and miss what is happening now. Now, I have a tween and a teenager and I am enjoying these days.....

Dropping her off to babysit, seeing how proud of herself she is that she is making her own money.  

Watching him get on the bus and head to middle school.

Helping her pick out make up and watching her accent her natural beauty.

Listening to him practice for the talent show at school.

Seeing the two of them work on a science fair project together.

Giving them more chores to do to alleviate some of the pressure of housework from two working parents.

Not having to get a babysitter for date nights.

Even though, I miss them being younger, I love seeing them change and mature into wonderful young people.

I miss those days, but I am doing everything I can not to miss the here and now.

Link your FMF post to Katie's blog!

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

FMF - Pass

Once I see the prompt for FMF, I always have a rush of thoughts go through my mind.

I will pass, I will pass over you.
No, thanks, I'll pass.
Pass me the rolls, please.
Did you see that pass?
I passed!!!

This is what happens. I have all of these thoughts swirling and then it takes a few days to figure out what I should write, if I should write, what God wants me to write.

My first thought was about Passover and a song we used to sing in church when I was a teenager.

When I see the blood. When I see the blood. When I see the blood. I will pass, I will pass over you.

I loved the fact that God made a way for the Israelites to identify themselves as His children, so when the final plague was handed down in Egypt, they would be saved. It is an amazing picture of how, even in our imperfections, God chooses to save us, if we just trust in Him.

No, thanks, I'll pass made me think about the fact that I am struggling with my weight and being healthy and one of the main reasons is I do not pass on food very often. I eat and overeat way more than I'd like to admit. I do not think eating is bad in and of itself, but what I have been eating and how much and how often I eat....therein lies the problem. I am not eating to live, I am living to eat. Celebrations at my house growing up always involved way too much food. But, when I was thinner and younger, it didn't really affect me much. And even though I have always been an emotional eater, I could curb it or chose food choices that weren't too detrimental to my health. But, the older I get the less I care about what I am eating and whether I am hungry or not. Which I guess, goes hand in hand with, pass me the rolls, please. LOL  

Did you see that pass? I loved when my older boys played football. Well, any sport, really. I loved being the team mom or just being in the stands, cheering for them. My husband coached most of their teams and he was a fantastic coach and Dad when it came to redirecting them and encouraging them. Our youngest is not so much into sports as he is art and music, but he still enjoys watching a game or two of football with my husband.

I passed!!! resonates with me the most right now, I guess, because we are winding down the school year and I am getting ready to embark on a new educational and career journey. I have always been one who does well in school with hard work and perseverance. It also used to come pretty naturally to me, to get good grades. Recently, though I took a course and had to retake an exam. It was a harsh reality for me that I am not as young as I used to be and my brain is not as sharp. I require more study time and less distractions. But, as long as I am putting in the effort and not giving up, I can still succeed.

I am not sure any of this even makes sense, but since I am just getting back in the groove of writing I didn't want to pass up an opportunity to blog. It really is therapeutic for me to write. I need to remember that and do it more often.

Make sure you link up your FMF blog post at Kate's blog!


I am not sure how it started. I guess maybe it was a genuine illness at first. Then the teenager babysat a little late on a Saturday night. ...