Years ago, it wouldn't matter where I was, in the car, the house, on the treadmill, there would have been music to accompany whatever I was doing. Singing in the shower was not abnormal for me. If I couldn't sing, then I would hum. I always felt like there was a song in my heart and I wanted, needed to share it.
Then something happened or maybe it was a lot of somethings, but the song started to get quieter and quieter until one day I noticed that it had stopped. I tried to sing, but nothing sounded right. Even humming was just a busy sound in my ears. No longer did songs or singing soothe and heal me, but they were hurtful reminders of years past, dreams lost and expectations unmet.
I want to get the music back, but I am at a loss as to how to do it. My daughter was just accepted into a performing arts school for vocals. She sings from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed, music playing as she sleeps. My son also sings, even making up songs that only make sense to him and the song in his heart. My husband is a weekend DJ, pumping songs into venues to help ends meet, but also because it is in his veins. He is the current reigning champion for 80's music trivia and breaks out into song during our daily lives so much it sometimes feels like we live in a musical. He would love for me to allow him to softly play music at night as we drift off to sleep.
But, I can't find my song. Most of it sounds like jumbled noise to me or a reminder of the painful past or some recent shortcoming.
I long for a song, but I just can't hear it.
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