FMF - Fear

Ever since I can remember having memories, I have been afraid.

Afraid of my father's anger.

Afraid of my parents' fighting.

Afraid  of the dark.

Afraid of closed in spaces.

Afraid of being alone.

Afraid of death.

Afraid of rollercoasters.

Afraid of change.

A lot of times, being afraid resulted in hives, stomach aches or full blown sickness. Missed opportunities and missed events.

Most of the time, my mother gently persuaded me that I was bigger than my fear, that I could out run it somehow and overcome it somehow. And sometimes I believed her and I danced anyway, or rode the ride anyway or dealt without a night light anyway.

Sometimes just having my father with me helped alleviate my fears. Knowing he was beside me or behind me made it okay to try even if it meant being afraid or failing.

But, as I grew older instead of embracing change or unknown situations with the knowledge that I was bigger than my fear because God was bigger than anything and anyone and any circumstance or situation instead of plowing ahead, I still hesitate and sometimes am physically ill because of my fears.

I now know that I have a true anxiety disorder that requires medication or I am unable to function in a reality that is not controlled by my fear resulting in missed opportunities and missed events. I know that God is more than able to completely heal me from my disorder, but I also know that when I take my pill and say my prayers I can overcome my fears because my Father is beside me and behind me and He loves me. 

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10 (NLT)

Post your FMF entry over at Kate's blog!!

13 is the Luckiest Number

When Rick and I knew we were getting married, we talked about having more kiddos. We decided that if we had a girl, we would name after our friend, Karin who introduced us. As soon as we celebrated our 1 year anniversary, we made plans to add a new member to our family.

Within a month's time, I was pregnant and due June 8, 2002. I was so sick in the beginning and so thankful that the other kiddos were older. Rick was amazing and spoiled me so much.

At our 20th week appointment, we had a sonogram to confirm the baby's gender. I was anxious about having a girl, since Josh was a boy, I was watching several boys in my daycare and Devin was 9 when Rick and I got married. I wasn't sure I would know what to do with a girl!

As soon as the sonographer said, "It's a girl!" I started to cry! I was certain I would not know how to raise a girl. I suddenly hated the name we picked out - Karin Madison (we were planning to call her Madison, but I did not like the nickname Maddie) and was desperate to change it. My Aunt Dink, who passed away a year after Kari was born, had a dream that we named her Karin Rosemarie (Rosemarie after her) and my sister suggested we call her Kari. Since Rick's Aunt Sue's middle name was Marie (she passed away a year before we met) and we could honor his aunt and mine at the same time, we decided on Karin Rosemarie and to call her Kari. It seemed to fit perfectly and put me at ease.

When Kari arrived a few days early, I was in awe of the perfect little lady she was. She looked just like her Daddy and had my blue eyes. She immediately captured all of our hearts and has had them ever since.

We just celebrated her 13th birthday on June 4. Kari is intelligent, artistic, beautiful and talented.  She is a caring big sister and loving aunt. She strives to always do her best at her schoolwork or whatever she is working on and is so helpful around the house. She is compassionate and has a heart for others. She is opinionated and holds strong to her beliefs. She loves the Lord and I love to see her worship. She is a bit timid in her faith, but is slowly coming out of her shell. She is an avid One Direction fan, but a lover of many types of music. She is a loyal friend, but will not stand to be used or treated poorly. She is not perfect, though. She is the queen of procrastination when it comes to her chores or her math homework and her bedroom resembles a typical teenager's messy room.

We were so blessed when she came into our family and have been blessed daily ever since.

Kari-Bear,

I love you with all my heart! I can not wait to see where your dreams take you and what the Lord has planned for you! You brighten my day and I am so thankful you are a part of our crazy family! You help us stay grounded and sane!

Love, Momma