Wednesday, June 24, 2015

FMF - Fear

Ever since I can remember having memories, I have been afraid.

Afraid of my father's anger.

Afraid of my parents' fighting.

Afraid  of the dark.

Afraid of closed in spaces.

Afraid of being alone.

Afraid of death.

Afraid of rollercoasters.

Afraid of change.

A lot of times, being afraid resulted in hives, stomach aches or full blown sickness. Missed opportunities and missed events.

Most of the time, my mother gently persuaded me that I was bigger than my fear, that I could out run it somehow and overcome it somehow. And sometimes I believed her and I danced anyway, or rode the ride anyway or dealt without a night light anyway.

Sometimes just having my father with me helped alleviate my fears. Knowing he was beside me or behind me made it okay to try even if it meant being afraid or failing.

But, as I grew older instead of embracing change or unknown situations with the knowledge that I was bigger than my fear because God was bigger than anything and anyone and any circumstance or situation instead of plowing ahead, I still hesitate and sometimes am physically ill because of my fears.

I now know that I have a true anxiety disorder that requires medication or I am unable to function in a reality that is not controlled by my fear resulting in missed opportunities and missed events. I know that God is more than able to completely heal me from my disorder, but I also know that when I take my pill and say my prayers I can overcome my fears because my Father is beside me and behind me and He loves me. 

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10 (NLT)

Post your FMF entry over at Kate's blog!!

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