Thursday, December 11, 2014

For a Sleigh Ride*.......

I certainly feel like I have been on more of a roller coaster ride, than a sleigh ride this season. My emotions have been a mess. I am having trouble sleeping at night and all I want to do is sleep during the day. Thankfully, school/work during the week makes that a bit difficult. And this week has been full of activties for the kiddos - appointments, concerts, homework, make up work. 'Tis the season.

Thankfully, we have done most of our shopping online and have had it shipped to the store for pick up. I need to wrap some gifts and get them under the tree. Normally, by now, the cards are done and being mailed and most of the wrapping is done. But, this year, I just feel like I am going in slow motion.

But, God is still faithful and I have definitely felt His hand in many areas of our lives. Maybe not in the way I would like, but I can still see Him moving and know He is working. I have been reading through the Psalms in my nightly devotions. I was trying to do HelloMornings and it has not been happening this session. I can not get to bed before midnight, so getting up at 6 AM is not feasible. But, I found a list of Psalms in the back of my prayer journal, so I have been reading through them and journaling as I am reading. I have also been trying to count 1,000 joy moments this month. Some days my list is truly one of gratitude and other times it is just a list of all the foods I am thankful for, especially iced coffee. But, it helps me refocus unless I am being stubborn and just go to bed. I still end up whining praying before I fall asleep, but I am not sure that qualifies as quality quiet time. And Rick and I have been praying together every night which is good. Good for our marriage and good for my soul. Something about hearing him pray. I love the sound of his voice and hearing his petitions for our family.  

Last night after counseling as I was switching an appointment time, I noticed that they had a Christmas tree filled with ornaments. A sign was by the tree which said that the ornaments contained promises from God and to take one as a gift from the center. I took one and as I read the promise, I was immediately thankful for a Christian counseling center. It was 1 Peter 5:7. So perfect for me right now.

I am also participating in #fmfpartysnailmail right now and received my first card in the mail today. It was from a sweet girl in AL that added the verses from Ephesians about God's love. Verses I would pray for my son, Josh. The one in jail right now, needing to know and feel God's love. The one who was given new charges while he is in jail and most definitely will miss Christmas with his children and family again this year, unless God chooses to miraculously intervene. God's timing is always perfect.

I know that my depression affects my husband and my younger children at home as much if not more than it affects me. I am snippy and sullen, sluggish and forgetful. I even scared my husband this week and gave him the impression that I was not committed to our marriage, that it had gotten too hard and too much at a time when he is under the pressure of the ending semester, teaching without technology and curriculum that is so necessary and trying to keep our budget afloat during the holiday season. I could never imagine doing life without him, but had somehow communicated that maybe, I was done, with all of it, including our relationship even though that is furthest from the truth. Thankfully, he was honest and forgiving and we were able to recommit ourselves to each other and out family. Life is hard enough that I could never imagine doing it alone. He is my rock and I am so grateful. Just need to remember not to take him for granted.     

So, as much as I would like to wallow in my circumstances and turn my eyes away from the blessings in my family, I have been gently reminded this week, that life is a ride of sorts, of twists and turns, of hills and bumps and even at times tragedy, but that as long as I can refocus my mind, recommit my plan and lean into His arms, Abba Father will hold me steady and bring me joy.

*...together with you!

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