Having a son with addictions is hard. It is hard enough to watch a child be sick or hurt when there is nothing they have done to cause the sickness or hurting. But, when someone chooses to make themselves sick or is hurting due to the choices they have made, it does not make it any easier to see them suffer. I have a cousin with two physically disabled children who judges my son and my husband and I very harshly because of the life he chooses to live. She has said many times that her children suffer unnecessarily, while my son chooses to suffer and inflict pain on himself and the family. And while that is true, it does not make it any easier to have a son that is an addict.
This was the first Thanksgiving in four years that he was able to be with his children and he spent most of the day in a medicinal hangover because he is on medication to help him with his heroin addiction. The medicine causes him to fall asleep suddenly and be in a hangover like state most of the time, which hindered him from really being able to enjoy his time with the children. His four year old son said he was worried about his Daddy, while my son laid on the kitchen floor after he suddenly fell asleep while getting dessert for him. It broke my heart for my grandson to see his father like that.
And then last night when the police came to our house for an incident unrelated to my son, but asked to speak to him and later cuffed him and took him away because of a warrant, my heart again ached for my grandchildren, who thankfully did not see anything, but were totally unaware that he had left because he has done it so often during their recent visits.
Now, during a time when he should be planning his next visit with them and shopping for their Christmas gifts, he sits in a prison cell for an undetermined amount of time for a very serious crime. I am very unsure of his guilt or innocence, but am sure that he will be missing yet another Christmas with his children when he should have been celebrating his recovery and freedom.
And at a time when I want to be celebrating the season with my younger children and husband, I find myself grieving for my son's lost life and yet another holiday we will celebrate without him.