Disconnected

I am not sure how it started. I guess maybe it was a genuine illness at first. Then the teenager babysat a little late on a Saturday night. Then we overslept. Then it just became normal not to go to church. We talked about watching online and a few times we actually did, but not necessarily the whole service or only one of us even watched.

Easter was the last time we attended as a family. We have attended once since then without the teenagers.

I can not remember the last time the boy attended Friday night youth.

We pray before meals, but family devotions are nonexistent and we only pray as a couple when I ask.

I am tired of asking.

I did a pretty good job of faking it as a online Bible study leader a few months ago. I couldn't do it again. I am following a Bible study plan on an app right now, but I have to constantly tell myself to refocus and reread just about all of it. Prayer time is mostly just wondering how in the world I got to this place in my life, in my marriage, in my parenting.

I am not sure if the shift actually came when the racial tension of the Union heightened and the church leaders felt the need to take political stances when what we really needed was shepherding. A place that was suppose to feel safe and welcoming began to feel abrasive and judgmental. Events were scheduled, comments were made. It became less about connection and more about being forced to accept, but not necessarily be accepted. How does that foster connection?

I miss the days of postcards in the mail and phone calls made when you miss a service or two or five. When someone visits you on a Thursday because you've missed a Sunday. It is easier now than back then to reach out to someone and yet it doesn't even happen. At least in our case, actually, maybe it's just my case, it hasn't.

Not being missed among the shift in focus, of what is important, what is suppose to be at the center of worship and fellowship hurts. Life is better connected, huh? Not when no one bothers to check in or reconnect. There always seems to be an inner circle. It is hard to be on the outside of it.

I think there are a lot of people talking about what is needed and best and good, but not a lot of leading others into it or being examples of it.

Talk is cheap. Unless it is in red in the Word. Then we should take notice and take action.

There is so much that I miss. So much I did not expect. But, it is what it is, I guess. I am too tired for it to be otherwise right now.

So very, very tired.