When Mother's Day is Hard

From the very first Mother's Day I celebrated, it has not been easy. It is hard to celebrate when you are a single momma and your child is young. My parents, especially my mom would always try to make sure my son made me a card and bought me a gift. But, it was still bittersweet. When I got married, it was hard to be away from my mom on Mother's Day and celebrating with my MIL and SIL was challenging. My husband made the day special, though and since I am not high maintenance, a low key day was always my favorite way to celebrate.

Breakfast with ice coffee, lunch at home, a nap and dinner and dessert made me feel special. Cards and a gift were a bonus, but not a necessity. Flowers for the porch, a baseball hat or a coveted book are a few of my favorite gifts.

Once the older three kiddos were out of the house, it got hard again. A card sent for a step mother one year, followed by years of no calls, no cards, not even a text. I didn't expect calls from Josh since he has been incarcerated for the past 4 or more Mother's Days. Devin and Cody will acknowledge a woman who abused them, allowed others to abuse them and did not desire to have custody of them over someone that tried so hard to fill in the gaps of a woman who never really wanted to be a mother in the first place. Was I perfect? Far from it. I allowed my expectations to cloud my judgment and my actions many times, but I loved them with the same love I have for my biological children. I still love them. Many times, I fought for them, cried for and with them, allowed them to tear our family apart more times than I can count and yet.....

I never wanted to replace their mother. Even as dysfunctional as their relationships are with their mother, I never wanted to replace her. I wanted to redeem a broken situation. And they allowed me to think that I could, that I was, but when things got ugly and hard, I was the one they blamed along with their father who fought for them and still fights for them even though it hurts and breaks his heart. We wanted to show them how a marriage should look, how a family should be and what love acts like in true, Godly fashion. And yet, we are the ones to shut out of their lives, to blame.

I guess we are the easiest ones to blame. If they blame her, she will stop loving them, stop financing them. We have shown unconditional love time and time again, covered in forgiveness, longing to be loved and forgiven.  And they can not be to blame because then they have to face the reality of their choices and actions and their responsibility for them.  Ignorance is bliss, I guess.  But, I cannot live that way. I have soul searched far too often, asked for forgiveness and now need to move on. Each May, I rehash the same feelings and thoughts, wondering what I should have done differently, could have done differently and the conclusion is always the same, even if it is not easy.     

I am not their mother even if they called me Mom. I am not their mother even if I made them breakfast, washed their clothes, kissed their boo boos and helped with their homework. Cheering them from the sidelines and the audience, making them dinner, tucking them in.....none of it makes me their mother. Shopping for her first bra, attending his boot camp graduation and taking them to the doctor's doesn't make me their mother. My definition of mothering must be very different from theirs. So, maybe I need to let go of the expectation of a card or call on a day set aside for mothers because I am not theirs. And never will be.

But, I am the woman that loves their father fiercely and will do whatever I need to to protect their siblings and our family. I will not allow them to hurt their siblings or their father anymore. Because even if I am not their mother, I am Kari and Noah's. And even though I am no where near perfect, I am pretty good at it. That is where my focus needs to be. On my family that is under my roof right now. Because they made Mother's Day amazing!