Kicking Back

This new semester has been kicking my butt! It started in December and ends in May and I still have three classes to finish. I completed the first course pretty quickly and then life happened and illnesses happened and depression reared its ugly head and an anxiety diagnoses for the youngest boy was given and a 3 year long jail sentence was handed down for the oldest boy with 7 more court dates and charges to go and depression tightened its grip and.....

Homework and classwork has been really hard to concentrate on in the last few months. There has been a lot of hard - physically and emotionally and I have not handled it well. I tried to stay focused and keep busy, but I keep coming back to sad. So sad I am missing church and Bible study and seeing the physical and mental toll it is taking on me. I joined a grief and loss support group at my church and that has helped when I have been able to go, but sometimes, it is too much to get myself up and out the door.   

I feel like there is just more and more to grieve. I look for the hopeful and the joyful and then there is just more sad and disappointment. I know that is not where God wants to keep me nor does He want me to stay there, but I am getting used to, almost very comfortable in the valley. Like that is where I feel I belong and where I know God can meet me and understands if I am there. So, I stay. 

I have also been subbing in an alternate curriculum classroom and it is hard. The physical and emotional demands are constant and overwhelming at times. And the reason I am there is sad and hard. An accusation, a lie, an investigation, a career ruined, a classroom changed. It has just been too much.

And on Friday I found a lump or a mass or something on the right side of my rib cage and the concern is back and the emotional drain that comes with what if and what now and how much more.

But....I have completed several modules for science and the work on my first task for my next class as been started and I feel like I am kicking back a little bit.

And I will rest and I will wait and I will look for the good and the truth and the redemption that always comes and is promised.

The promise of spring break and a weekend with the grandkiddos and a women's conference and donuts and coffee with ladies that want to champion for the cause of life and dates with my husband and shopping with my girl and practicing lines for his play with the boy. And letters to the detention center with pictures. And phone calls from the detention center. And money raised for the trip of a lifetime. And free coffee coupons. And worship songs and prayers of friends. And the strength of my husband to uplift me and keep things running in the household when I can not get out of bed.   

I am starting to feel the kick back.