I kept telling myself that is was just stress. Two weeks wasn't really that long to be late. I mean, I knew it was possible, but I just couldn't be. Not now.
"You can keep these pamphlets and here is our card." she said after the pregnancy test showed the tell tale plus sign. Her smile was genuine and her concern real. "Thank you.", I said as my best friend cried.
"Of course, you'll keep it.", he said. more sure than I was that all of this was going to work out somehow. "I can't keep it. I can't be pregnant. I started college. I am in the girls' group and choir at church. I just got the Christian Character Award at graduation!" "But, the alternative....." his voice trailed off. I couldn't even get my mind to go there, my lips to say the words, but how in the world was I going to be able to do what I wanted to do and be a mother?
Of course, I will keep him/her. After realizing the depth of the alternative, the finality of any other decision and the realization of the life growing inside of me, there was no other choice.
This new life was a gift from a God that already knew that this is how my story would be written, that the pages on which I was pretending to life out my life, there was an underlying story of promiscuity and deception. But, that in my mess of poor choices and brokenness, something, someone new was being birthed and it, he would be amazing.
I have never regretted that final decision to keep my first born son. Even in the midst of his addictions and incarcerations and lack of direction for his life. I know that there is One who has been directing things from the moment I knew for sure that I was indeed pregnant. And even if right now J is straying from the path God has laid out for him, he will be back soon.
John 10:28, 29
And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.
Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.
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