I failed my math final. It is hard not to be discouraged when things like this happen because I already worked my butt off to get my degree when I was a single mom 24 years ago. I stayed up, lost sleep and paid for my college. I graduated magna cum laude. It was not easy, but I finished in four years and taught for six years. Some of my former students are nurses, teachers, chefs, plumbers, pastors, wives, husbands and parents. It wasn't for nought, but what the heck was it for??
Now, I am almost $24,000 in debt to redo a degree I have already completed. I am spending time studying and working on courses I have already taken. I am missing out on time with my husband and children and making my house a home.
I went back to school for all the wrong reasons and I am not sure how to fix it. I don't want to quit again, but I hate being in school. I do not want to do it again.
I think I relied on what going back to school could give me in the moment - refunds to help supplement income so we didn't get into further debt even though it didn't help and we are in debt. Instead of trusting God to provide for us, I chose to believe that it was best to sacrifice the future for what was needed in the present. I believed that we needed help with our finances and could get it through federal assistance instead of relying on Providential assistance. And now I can not go back and change it.
We can not continue to live in MD with the cost of living what it is and not have Rick and I have our teaching certification. And even then I am not sure how we will afford our own place. Or be able to pay back our student loans.
It is a wicked web I am weaving, but I do not want to do it anymore.
Monday, August 06, 2018
Friday, June 01, 2018
Disconnected
I am not sure how it started. I guess maybe it was a genuine illness at first. Then the teenager babysat a little late on a Saturday night. Then we overslept. Then it just became normal not to go to church. We talked about watching online and a few times we actually did, but not necessarily the whole service or only one of us even watched.
Easter was the last time we attended as a family. We have attended once since then without the teenagers.
I can not remember the last time the boy attended Friday night youth.
We pray before meals, but family devotions are nonexistent and we only pray as a couple when I ask.
I am tired of asking.
I did a pretty good job of faking it as a online Bible study leader a few months ago. I couldn't do it again. I am following a Bible study plan on an app right now, but I have to constantly tell myself to refocus and reread just about all of it. Prayer time is mostly just wondering how in the world I got to this place in my life, in my marriage, in my parenting.
I am not sure if the shift actually came when the racial tension of the Union heightened and the church leaders felt the need to take political stances when what we really needed was shepherding. A place that was suppose to feel safe and welcoming began to feel abrasive and judgmental. Events were scheduled, comments were made. It became less about connection and more about being forced to accept, but not necessarily be accepted. How does that foster connection?
I miss the days of postcards in the mail and phone calls made when you miss a service or two or five. When someone visits you on a Thursday because you've missed a Sunday. It is easier now than back then to reach out to someone and yet it doesn't even happen. At least in our case, actually, maybe it's just my case, it hasn't.
Not being missed among the shift in focus, of what is important, what is suppose to be at the center of worship and fellowship hurts. Life is better connected, huh? Not when no one bothers to check in or reconnect. There always seems to be an inner circle. It is hard to be on the outside of it.
I think there are a lot of people talking about what is needed and best and good, but not a lot of leading others into it or being examples of it.
Talk is cheap. Unless it is in red in the Word. Then we should take notice and take action.
There is so much that I miss. So much I did not expect. But, it is what it is, I guess. I am too tired for it to be otherwise right now.
So very, very tired.
Easter was the last time we attended as a family. We have attended once since then without the teenagers.
I can not remember the last time the boy attended Friday night youth.
We pray before meals, but family devotions are nonexistent and we only pray as a couple when I ask.
I am tired of asking.
I did a pretty good job of faking it as a online Bible study leader a few months ago. I couldn't do it again. I am following a Bible study plan on an app right now, but I have to constantly tell myself to refocus and reread just about all of it. Prayer time is mostly just wondering how in the world I got to this place in my life, in my marriage, in my parenting.
I am not sure if the shift actually came when the racial tension of the Union heightened and the church leaders felt the need to take political stances when what we really needed was shepherding. A place that was suppose to feel safe and welcoming began to feel abrasive and judgmental. Events were scheduled, comments were made. It became less about connection and more about being forced to accept, but not necessarily be accepted. How does that foster connection?
I miss the days of postcards in the mail and phone calls made when you miss a service or two or five. When someone visits you on a Thursday because you've missed a Sunday. It is easier now than back then to reach out to someone and yet it doesn't even happen. At least in our case, actually, maybe it's just my case, it hasn't.
Not being missed among the shift in focus, of what is important, what is suppose to be at the center of worship and fellowship hurts. Life is better connected, huh? Not when no one bothers to check in or reconnect. There always seems to be an inner circle. It is hard to be on the outside of it.
I think there are a lot of people talking about what is needed and best and good, but not a lot of leading others into it or being examples of it.
Talk is cheap. Unless it is in red in the Word. Then we should take notice and take action.
There is so much that I miss. So much I did not expect. But, it is what it is, I guess. I am too tired for it to be otherwise right now.
So very, very tired.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
When Mother's Day is Hard
From the very first Mother's Day I celebrated, it has not been easy. It is hard to celebrate when you are a single momma and your child is young. My parents, especially my mom would always try to make sure my son made me a card and bought me a gift. But, it was still bittersweet. When I got married, it was hard to be away from my mom on Mother's Day and celebrating with my MIL and SIL was challenging. My husband made the day special, though and since I am not high maintenance, a low key day was always my favorite way to celebrate.
Breakfast with ice coffee, lunch at home, a nap and dinner and dessert made me feel special. Cards and a gift were a bonus, but not a necessity. Flowers for the porch, a baseball hat or a coveted book are a few of my favorite gifts.
Once the older three kiddos were out of the house, it got hard again. A card sent for a step mother one year, followed by years of no calls, no cards, not even a text. I didn't expect calls from Josh since he has been incarcerated for the past 4 or more Mother's Days. Devin and Cody will acknowledge a woman who abused them, allowed others to abuse them and did not desire to have custody of them over someone that tried so hard to fill in the gaps of a woman who never really wanted to be a mother in the first place. Was I perfect? Far from it. I allowed my expectations to cloud my judgment and my actions many times, but I loved them with the same love I have for my biological children. I still love them. Many times, I fought for them, cried for and with them, allowed them to tear our family apart more times than I can count and yet.....
I never wanted to replace their mother. Even as dysfunctional as their relationships are with their mother, I never wanted to replace her. I wanted to redeem a broken situation. And they allowed me to think that I could, that I was, but when things got ugly and hard, I was the one they blamed along with their father who fought for them and still fights for them even though it hurts and breaks his heart. We wanted to show them how a marriage should look, how a family should be and what love acts like in true, Godly fashion. And yet, we are the ones to shut out of their lives, to blame.
I guess we are the easiest ones to blame. If they blame her, she will stop loving them, stop financing them. We have shown unconditional love time and time again, covered in forgiveness, longing to be loved and forgiven. And they can not be to blame because then they have to face the reality of their choices and actions and their responsibility for them. Ignorance is bliss, I guess. But, I cannot live that way. I have soul searched far too often, asked for forgiveness and now need to move on. Each May, I rehash the same feelings and thoughts, wondering what I should have done differently, could have done differently and the conclusion is always the same, even if it is not easy.
I am not their mother even if they called me Mom. I am not their mother even if I made them breakfast, washed their clothes, kissed their boo boos and helped with their homework. Cheering them from the sidelines and the audience, making them dinner, tucking them in.....none of it makes me their mother. Shopping for her first bra, attending his boot camp graduation and taking them to the doctor's doesn't make me their mother. My definition of mothering must be very different from theirs. So, maybe I need to let go of the expectation of a card or call on a day set aside for mothers because I am not theirs. And never will be.
But, I am the woman that loves their father fiercely and will do whatever I need to to protect their siblings and our family. I will not allow them to hurt their siblings or their father anymore. Because even if I am not their mother, I am Kari and Noah's. And even though I am no where near perfect, I am pretty good at it. That is where my focus needs to be. On my family that is under my roof right now. Because they made Mother's Day amazing!
Breakfast with ice coffee, lunch at home, a nap and dinner and dessert made me feel special. Cards and a gift were a bonus, but not a necessity. Flowers for the porch, a baseball hat or a coveted book are a few of my favorite gifts.
Once the older three kiddos were out of the house, it got hard again. A card sent for a step mother one year, followed by years of no calls, no cards, not even a text. I didn't expect calls from Josh since he has been incarcerated for the past 4 or more Mother's Days. Devin and Cody will acknowledge a woman who abused them, allowed others to abuse them and did not desire to have custody of them over someone that tried so hard to fill in the gaps of a woman who never really wanted to be a mother in the first place. Was I perfect? Far from it. I allowed my expectations to cloud my judgment and my actions many times, but I loved them with the same love I have for my biological children. I still love them. Many times, I fought for them, cried for and with them, allowed them to tear our family apart more times than I can count and yet.....
I never wanted to replace their mother. Even as dysfunctional as their relationships are with their mother, I never wanted to replace her. I wanted to redeem a broken situation. And they allowed me to think that I could, that I was, but when things got ugly and hard, I was the one they blamed along with their father who fought for them and still fights for them even though it hurts and breaks his heart. We wanted to show them how a marriage should look, how a family should be and what love acts like in true, Godly fashion. And yet, we are the ones to shut out of their lives, to blame.
I guess we are the easiest ones to blame. If they blame her, she will stop loving them, stop financing them. We have shown unconditional love time and time again, covered in forgiveness, longing to be loved and forgiven. And they can not be to blame because then they have to face the reality of their choices and actions and their responsibility for them. Ignorance is bliss, I guess. But, I cannot live that way. I have soul searched far too often, asked for forgiveness and now need to move on. Each May, I rehash the same feelings and thoughts, wondering what I should have done differently, could have done differently and the conclusion is always the same, even if it is not easy.
I am not their mother even if they called me Mom. I am not their mother even if I made them breakfast, washed their clothes, kissed their boo boos and helped with their homework. Cheering them from the sidelines and the audience, making them dinner, tucking them in.....none of it makes me their mother. Shopping for her first bra, attending his boot camp graduation and taking them to the doctor's doesn't make me their mother. My definition of mothering must be very different from theirs. So, maybe I need to let go of the expectation of a card or call on a day set aside for mothers because I am not theirs. And never will be.
But, I am the woman that loves their father fiercely and will do whatever I need to to protect their siblings and our family. I will not allow them to hurt their siblings or their father anymore. Because even if I am not their mother, I am Kari and Noah's. And even though I am no where near perfect, I am pretty good at it. That is where my focus needs to be. On my family that is under my roof right now. Because they made Mother's Day amazing!
Monday, March 12, 2018
Kicking Back
This new semester has been kicking my butt! It started in December and ends in May and I still have three classes to finish. I completed the first course pretty quickly and then life happened and illnesses happened and depression reared its ugly head and an anxiety diagnoses for the youngest boy was given and a 3 year long jail sentence was handed down for the oldest boy with 7 more court dates and charges to go and depression tightened its grip and.....
Homework and classwork has been really hard to concentrate on in the last few months. There has been a lot of hard - physically and emotionally and I have not handled it well. I tried to stay focused and keep busy, but I keep coming back to sad. So sad I am missing church and Bible study and seeing the physical and mental toll it is taking on me. I joined a grief and loss support group at my church and that has helped when I have been able to go, but sometimes, it is too much to get myself up and out the door.
I feel like there is just more and more to grieve. I look for the hopeful and the joyful and then there is just more sad and disappointment. I know that is not where God wants to keep me nor does He want me to stay there, but I am getting used to, almost very comfortable in the valley. Like that is where I feel I belong and where I know God can meet me and understands if I am there. So, I stay.
I have also been subbing in an alternate curriculum classroom and it is hard. The physical and emotional demands are constant and overwhelming at times. And the reason I am there is sad and hard. An accusation, a lie, an investigation, a career ruined, a classroom changed. It has just been too much.
And on Friday I found a lump or a mass or something on the right side of my rib cage and the concern is back and the emotional drain that comes with what if and what now and how much more.
But....I have completed several modules for science and the work on my first task for my next class as been started and I feel like I am kicking back a little bit.
And I will rest and I will wait and I will look for the good and the truth and the redemption that always comes and is promised.
The promise of spring break and a weekend with the grandkiddos and a women's conference and donuts and coffee with ladies that want to champion for the cause of life and dates with my husband and shopping with my girl and practicing lines for his play with the boy. And letters to the detention center with pictures. And phone calls from the detention center. And money raised for the trip of a lifetime. And free coffee coupons. And worship songs and prayers of friends. And the strength of my husband to uplift me and keep things running in the household when I can not get out of bed.
I am starting to feel the kick back.
Homework and classwork has been really hard to concentrate on in the last few months. There has been a lot of hard - physically and emotionally and I have not handled it well. I tried to stay focused and keep busy, but I keep coming back to sad. So sad I am missing church and Bible study and seeing the physical and mental toll it is taking on me. I joined a grief and loss support group at my church and that has helped when I have been able to go, but sometimes, it is too much to get myself up and out the door.
I feel like there is just more and more to grieve. I look for the hopeful and the joyful and then there is just more sad and disappointment. I know that is not where God wants to keep me nor does He want me to stay there, but I am getting used to, almost very comfortable in the valley. Like that is where I feel I belong and where I know God can meet me and understands if I am there. So, I stay.
I have also been subbing in an alternate curriculum classroom and it is hard. The physical and emotional demands are constant and overwhelming at times. And the reason I am there is sad and hard. An accusation, a lie, an investigation, a career ruined, a classroom changed. It has just been too much.
And on Friday I found a lump or a mass or something on the right side of my rib cage and the concern is back and the emotional drain that comes with what if and what now and how much more.
But....I have completed several modules for science and the work on my first task for my next class as been started and I feel like I am kicking back a little bit.
And I will rest and I will wait and I will look for the good and the truth and the redemption that always comes and is promised.
The promise of spring break and a weekend with the grandkiddos and a women's conference and donuts and coffee with ladies that want to champion for the cause of life and dates with my husband and shopping with my girl and practicing lines for his play with the boy. And letters to the detention center with pictures. And phone calls from the detention center. And money raised for the trip of a lifetime. And free coffee coupons. And worship songs and prayers of friends. And the strength of my husband to uplift me and keep things running in the household when I can not get out of bed.
I am starting to feel the kick back.
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Selfish
I know this might sound a bit crazy, but I am choosing to be selfish this year.
I am choosing to put myself and my family before things that are insignificant and unimportant to what God has for me and my family.
I am going to say no to things that stress me out or make me anxious.
I am not going to apologize when I take a nap or skip a social event to have family game or movie night.
I am going to surround myself with people that encourage me to live out my calling in Christ as a mother, an educator and a voice for the unborn and the mommas and daddies that choose life for them.
I am going to be more intentional with my words and my actions.
I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty when I do not live by their expectations.
I am going to do brave, bold things that scare me and stretch me and allow me to be used by God.
Yes, I am going to be selfish and I am not going to apologize for it.
I am choosing to put myself and my family before things that are insignificant and unimportant to what God has for me and my family.
I am going to say no to things that stress me out or make me anxious.
I am not going to apologize when I take a nap or skip a social event to have family game or movie night.
I am going to surround myself with people that encourage me to live out my calling in Christ as a mother, an educator and a voice for the unborn and the mommas and daddies that choose life for them.
I am going to be more intentional with my words and my actions.
I will not allow anyone to make me feel guilty when I do not live by their expectations.
I am going to do brave, bold things that scare me and stretch me and allow me to be used by God.
Yes, I am going to be selfish and I am not going to apologize for it.
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