13 is the Luckiest Number

When Rick and I knew we were getting married, we talked about having more kiddos. We decided that if we had a girl, we would name after our friend, Karin who introduced us. As soon as we celebrated our 1 year anniversary, we made plans to add a new member to our family.

Within a month's time, I was pregnant and due June 8, 2002. I was so sick in the beginning and so thankful that the other kiddos were older. Rick was amazing and spoiled me so much.

At our 20th week appointment, we had a sonogram to confirm the baby's gender. I was anxious about having a girl, since Josh was a boy, I was watching several boys in my daycare and Devin was 9 when Rick and I got married. I wasn't sure I would know what to do with a girl!

As soon as the sonographer said, "It's a girl!" I started to cry! I was certain I would not know how to raise a girl. I suddenly hated the name we picked out - Karin Madison (we were planning to call her Madison, but I did not like the nickname Maddie) and was desperate to change it. My Aunt Dink, who passed away a year after Kari was born, had a dream that we named her Karin Rosemarie (Rosemarie after her) and my sister suggested we call her Kari. Since Rick's Aunt Sue's middle name was Marie (she passed away a year before we met) and we could honor his aunt and mine at the same time, we decided on Karin Rosemarie and to call her Kari. It seemed to fit perfectly and put me at ease.

When Kari arrived a few days early, I was in awe of the perfect little lady she was. She looked just like her Daddy and had my blue eyes. She immediately captured all of our hearts and has had them ever since.

We just celebrated her 13th birthday on June 4. Kari is intelligent, artistic, beautiful and talented.  She is a caring big sister and loving aunt. She strives to always do her best at her schoolwork or whatever she is working on and is so helpful around the house. She is compassionate and has a heart for others. She is opinionated and holds strong to her beliefs. She loves the Lord and I love to see her worship. She is a bit timid in her faith, but is slowly coming out of her shell. She is an avid One Direction fan, but a lover of many types of music. She is a loyal friend, but will not stand to be used or treated poorly. She is not perfect, though. She is the queen of procrastination when it comes to her chores or her math homework and her bedroom resembles a typical teenager's messy room.

We were so blessed when she came into our family and have been blessed daily ever since.

Kari-Bear,

I love you with all my heart! I can not wait to see where your dreams take you and what the Lord has planned for you! You brighten my day and I am so thankful you are a part of our crazy family! You help us stay grounded and sane!

Love, Momma

15 Birthdays

When we got engaged in February 2000, it was very unexpected. We both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, but Rick hadn't planned to propose to me atop Reunion Tower in downtown Dallas. But, he did and there was promise of a trip and an engagement ring in May.

With wedding expenses, a trip to TX in May was going to be a bit of a splurge, but we hadn't seen each other since February and there was a wedding and a baptism to attend and a ring to pick up at the jeweler's on Rick's birthday weekend. Even though, I was not thrilled about flying, especially by myself, I was looking forward to the trip.

Then, Rick's ex told him she expected him to pay for half of the trip she had planned for her and the children to Disney World. Not only was he expected to pay for at least one of the children's expenses, they would be leaving earlier than expected and would miss his birthday. This also would cancel our plans as the money for my plane ticket would now be going to one of the children. I was beyond heartbroken and Rick was very disappointed.

When my mom told me she had received a bonus at work and since most of the wedding expenses were covered, she was giving it to me for a plane ticket, I was elated and could not wait to tell Rick. But, I decided to keep it a secret from him and contacted his mother and sister instead to arrange for a ride to his house from the airport.

I was so excited that I pulled off the surprise of all surprises! He had no idea! We had a wonderful, world wind weekend and the ring he and Devin had picked out for me was stunning.

I wasn't sure I would ever be able to top that birthday surprise, but I realized something last year when I was able to get Rick two very special presents. It is not about topping one celebration or gift over another. And it is not about how much you spend. For one birthday, Rick got a $5 CD and a granola bar with a candle in it.

What it is about is spending time with Rick 354 days a year, listening to his dreams and wishes, the secret things he hides in his heart that I get the privilege of seeing and hearing when we spend time together. When you listen to the one you love, you will learn their likes and dislikes and even the smallest one can be a blessing.

I am so thankful that I have been blessed with spending the last 15 birthdays with my amazing husband. And I am thankful that sometimes I get to pull off a few surprises. 

The Final Countdown

We are nearing the end of the school year with only 21 full days and 4 half days left before summer vacation! Of course, for me, summer vacation lasts a few days, then I start working at summer school and then I have a few weeks before school starts up again.

"I have a dream! That one day I will not have to work during the summer!" LOL It could happen.

As the year winds down the activities seem to ramp up with spring concerts, vocal competitions, field trips and weekend events. We have off for Memorial Day, but I have a feeling that will be filled with around the house projects. The backyard really needs a clean out and a dump run. And the pool needs to be repaired. I am praying we can get the pool repaired. It will make this summer more socially enjoyable.

And of course, I would love to swap the kiddos' bedrooms soon. We participated in a yard sale at our church last weekend and we sold some of the kiddos' things - specifically Noah's bedding and décor, so it would be nice to get their rooms painted and swapped soon. 

The weekend was busy with the yard sale, a PVA event for Kari, a birthday party for Noah and an engagement party for some of our dearest friends. Mother's Day was a slower, calmer day that brought visits from my sister, Janie and her crew and Cody, Brianne and Hayden. Steve and Janie took Hayden's 3 month old pictures and Rick made an awesome dinner. The kiddos' bought me hanging plants for the porch and Cody gave me a really sweet card. Rick did the laundry, so it was an incredible day!

We got the news on Monday that Josh had been cleared of all the charges from last July that he was incarcerated for in November. Completely bogus charges that were proven to be unfounded. Unfortunately, he has not been released due to probation violations that have to be cleared up before he can come home. His attorneys are working hard to get his hearings scheduled, but it still could be a month or more before he is home. Praying for a quick release and that he is able to get a job once he is released.

These cuties had birthdays recently. Kiyah turned 3 on May 3 and Kaysen turned 5 on May 8. We will be celebrating with them in a few weeks. I am trying to decide if we should wait until Josh is home, but we will probably celebrate with them and then party again when Josh is home. How many parties are too many, really??

 

These two have stolen my heart!!

 

And this little miss is growing so fast! She came over for Mother's Day and was such a delight! She smiled and cooed and just entertained all of us. Janie and Steve were able to get some great shots of her. Here is one....

 

 

She is just an awesome mix of Cody and Brianne! Such a cutie!!

 

I absolutely love being MoMo to these three amazing miracles! I can not wait until Hayden can stay over at our house as well. It will be one big sleepover party at Granddad and MoMo's house! Rick is certainly smitten with all of the grandkiddos as well. They will certainly be spoiled!

 

I am at the brink of making a decision about my education. I have to decide this week and even though it will be a hard decision, I think I know what I have to do. I really do not want to redo my undergrad degree, but I can not get anyone to accept my degree. DBU said that they would, but I would have to take a history class, the GRE test and only 6 of the 13 classes I need are offered online. I would need to go to Dallas for summer courses and a few spring courses and I am not sure that would be the best use of my time and money. Although, having to redo my undergrad degree and then get my master's may end being just as expensive. Decisions, decisions. I hate decisions!

 

And of course, Rick is just a semester away from graduating! I can not wait to see him cross the stage in 2016! He is such an inspiration to me and our children for his determination and perseverance. I am so thankful for him.

 

And did I mention he did the laundry on Mother's Day? Husband of the Year!   

     



    

He's a Marine! Oorah! June/September 2013

***Just realized that I never posted this entry!!!

Cody was sworn into the U.S. Military as a Marine on June 10. He endured 13 weeks of grueling training, including 54 hours of the Crucible. We are so proud of him and were so honored to be a part of his graduation. Here are pictures from his swearing in and his graduation!

 Ready to take the oath

In the van, waiting to start his 12 hour trek to Parris Island, SC

Life Goes On

I was looking back at the pictures on the blog and realized that I do not post actual updates much anymore. I have being trying to keep up with my FMF posts, but that has been about it. I feel like I have much to say, but most of my pictures are on my phone and I never upload those to the computer. I really need to do an all picture update soon.

I just totally realized that I never updated the blog when Cody and Brianne had the baby. And the baby - Hayden Michelle - will be 3 months in a few short days. Sigh.

So, since the new year here are a few updates......

Josh still remains incarcerated. He seems to have a go public attorney this time, but has not yet been released. He has another status conference in a few weeks and will hopefully, prayfully be released then, but may still be facing some time  due to a probation violation. One county has the violation pending while the city has a warrant issued. As long as the charges are dropped there should not be an issue, but he may still have to be transferred to the city and wait for a court date to have the violation dropped. It is a shame to think he may miss his children's birthdays again, but hopefully once all of this is cleared up, he will not have any other legal issues. That is my prayer. I went to visit him for the first time this Saturday. He looks good, healthy even, which he hasn't been for a while. He is clean right now and has even stopped smoking. I hope he is able to continue that once he is home. I know it is harder for him when is home. Too many temptations and pull of old ways and old friends. He said he is done with that way of life, but time will tell. He also said he has been attending Thursday night Bible study and will be meeting with the pastor this week. I pray that he is able to mentor Josh now and once he is released. And I am praying he is able to find a job quickly this time. I know if he is able to work and take pride in something it will help with his recovery.

Devin had a car accident in the beginning of December. She broke her ankle and required surgery and physical therapy. She is back to work, but is still waiting for the insurance company to pay her settlement, so she can get a new car. She had just purchased a new to her vehicle the day before the accident. She is looking into the possibility of art school. She would do brilliantly if she was able to attend. I think she dreams of being a tattoo artist one day. She recently moved into a new apartment. We need to make time to go visit and spend some time in Lancaster. Devin is planning to attend Kari's Phantom of the Opera PVA trip in a few weeks. Kari is really looking forward to it.

Cody and Brianne got engaged on January 1 and Hayden Michelle made her debut on January 11. She is such a joy and I can not believe that she will be 3 months old already. Cody has taken on the role of Daddy magnificently. It is evident how much he loves Hayden. He is working for a concrete/asphalt/snow removal company and has been working hard since we had a lot of snow during February and March. He is looking forward to rebuilding an older Mustang from the ground up and has been looking for parts. Cody hung out with Noah the other day when we had a date night with some friends. Noah really enjoyed him being there and we made sure there was plenty of pizza.

Kari continues to do well in school and currently has straight A's. Math is her challenging subject, but she takes the time to see her teacher at lunch to be able to make up work or correct tests and quizzes. She really strives to keep straight A's all year long and we are so proud of her. She has one more year of PVA and then will have to decide what she wants to do for high school. We would like to see her audition for vocal, photography or theater, but are waiting to see what she wants to do. The high school she would attend if not attending a PVA HS is right up the street, so she could walk and would be reunited with some of her elementary school friends. I would like to see her attend PVA throughout HS, but would appreciate not having to get her to the bus stop by 6 AM.

She is also working hard to get healthy. We started taking Zumba classes together and she is eating breakfast now and making better food choices. I know she wants to see some positive changes, so I am really trying to encourage her. But, I have not been good about being active and have enjoyed the sedentary lifestyle for too long. Kari and Noah are both more artistic than athletic, so I have not encouraged them to be active. Now, we are having to make some changes.

Noah just finished PARCC testing and seemed to do well. He was a bit anxious about it, but didn't need to be. He continues to practice the saxophone and is currently working on music for the spring concert. I can not believe this will be his last concert in elementary school. He tried out for a solo for chorus, but has not heard back yet whether he got it or not. He is attending the Cherry Blossom Festival this weekend and Rick is chaperoning. He is very excited that they will be on national television. Noah auditioned for PVA Art and the middle school STEM program, but did not make either program. He was very disappointed, but is glad he will still be at the same middle school as Rick. And he continues to draw and research engineering videos and blogs. He is also extremely educated in Japanese culture. He said he would love to study abroad there for high school or college. Our nephew is currently stationed there in the Air Force and Noah hopes that we can visit before his tour is over in a few years. Every time we talk about taking a family vacation, he suggests Japan. Hopefully, we will make it there before Alex's tour is done.

Rick is still enjoying teaching and is a local star among his students. We see his students frequently when we are out and about and he always looks so happy when we run into them. I love seeing him interact with them outside of school. He is also back to playing WTP once a week. He is hoping to win top seat in one of the local bars and is looking forward to Nationals since it will be in Delaware this year versus New Jersey. WSOP is one his bucket list, so it would be awesome if he was able to win a seat to Vegas. And I have never been to Vegas......

I really do enjoy working at MES and with the third grade team and the other staff members I work with right now. Continuing my education seems to be an ongoing saga and I need to make some hard decisions soon. I am just not sure if I am being prideful or what, but I hate that I may have to go back and get the exact same degree that I have now, a degree that allowed me to teach for six years. Like if I go back I am saying it wasn't worth it, those years of teaching were for naught. I guess I may be over dramatizing the whole situation, but I am really struggling with this. I don't want to wait too long though because the longer I wait the longer it will take to get any degree, undergrad or master's.  

And just because they are adorable, here are some pictures of the grandkiddos......

 Kaysen (4) and Kiyah (2) (2014 at Myrtle Beach)

 

Hayden Michelle (3 mos.) March 2015

 

 

If nothing else, I have wonderful kiddos and adorable grandkiddos. So, I've got that going for me!

   

FMF - Break

Today started spring break for me and my family. It was cut a day short by an extra snow day our county had to take in the beginning of March. I enjoyed the snow day then, but wished we didn't have to lose a day of spring break yesterday, especially when I had to sub for one of the more rambunctious classes in the school I work for as a teachers' assistant.

I enjoy listening to our local Christian radio station on my way to and from work. Sometimes I can keep it on when the whole family is in the car - normally just on the way to Church on Sundays - but, since they prefer mainstream music to all Christian music all the time, the channel normally gets changed.

One song* that comes on regularly has a line in it that reads...... "I won't give you more, more than you can take. And I might let you bend, but I won't let you break."

Every time I sing those lyrics, I think, that is so untrue. So many times in this journey of relationship with Jesus, I have been broken, figuratively and literally. My heart as been broken, my faith has been broken, my dreams have been broken, my will has been broken, my body has been broken. Everything has been so broken.  

But, in that brokenness, every time, without fail God has been there. Sometimes I have had to search extra hard for Him, not because He is not there, but because I have hidden myself away from Him. I have had to sweep past the broken pieces, push away the pride and sin and look beyond my own hurt to find Him, but He is always there.

So, now more than I did before I welcome the broken pieces. They still hurt and are confusing and frustrating and I still, more times that I would like to admit, find myself far away from the One who wants to take those shattered moments and make them beautiful, but when I am broken, there is comfort, peace and freedom.

Link your FMF post to Kate's blog.

FMF - Real

I try so hard to be real, genuine. To not be fake or pretend. For the most part, I think I do a good job of "keeping it real". Maybe sometimes too real. I think there is a fine line between the two and I sometimes stumbled over that line. Forgetting to use my filter and letting whatever I think, come out of my mouth or whatever I am feeling inside be seen in my actions. Sometimes those things are good and sometimes those things are hurtful to myself and to others. I find it easy to be real around my family ,but sometimes at the cost of being real, I am blunt and to the point. And again, I find myself exposing my true feelings and thoughts at the cost of my husband and children's hearts. So many times, I forget to be real in the face of my Savior and I pretend that I have it all together or I smile and think that I have Him fooled. That everything is okay. That I have it all figured out. But, I don't. I need to be real during my quiet time, letting God see my already exposed heart and allowing Him to work in the places that need tweaking. I long for a real relationship with Him. 

 

Link up your FMF post to Kate's blog. 5 minutes, unedited and unscripted writing.

 

FMF - Plan

I always have a plan. Even if it is not written out, it is in my mind. Sometimes I verbalize my plan to my husband and sometimes I don't. When something does not go according to plan, I get frustrated and then realize I never told him my plan.

So often, in my relationship with Jesus, I make sure I have a plan in place. I mean, it is good to have an idea of where you are going and how you are going to get there. But, more often than not, I forget that God's plan for me is bigger and better than mine. I forget or ignore that I should be leaning into Him to know His plan and purpose for me before I plan things out myself.

If I could remember that, I wouldn't get so frustrated when things happen that seem off plan or not how I wanted them to go. It is so easy to hurry along in life with my agenda before me, forgetting to even check and see if my plans align with God's plan. His should be the one I check first, aligning my dreams, ideas and plans with His. But, I so want to be in control of everything that I push aside what God may have for me. My agenda is so much more important than His at times.

Then, when things change or don't go my way, I am hurt and confused. But, I shouldn't be. I should be focusing on what God has planned and promised.

Jeremiah 29:11..... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

What an awesome reminder that God has plans for me and that they are good.

Now if I could just get my husband on board with some of my plans ;)

   
Link up your FMF post on Kate's blog. 5 minutes of writing, unedited, unscripted.

FMF - Gather

We gather together to ask the Lord's blessings.....one of my favorite hymns to sing in chapel with my students during November.

Gathering.

At the end of the night, I gather up the dirty dishes, the laundry baskets, the school papers...sometimes I put them in their proper places and other times I just put them in one place to distribute later. But, I feel like I can not go to bed until I have gathered the scattered things.

When we moved back to MD, we used to have a monthly family gathering. we would meet at someone's house to eat, fellowship and celebrate. In the beginning, it was healing to be with my people, to laugh and love. Then, it became toxic. Things changed, people changed, people moved. It was more a scattering than a gathering.

We would take walks and the littles would gather treasures. Leaves, rocks, twigs, acorns. Whatever had fallen or been scattered about they would scoop up with their chubby little hands and hold them close until we got home. Then they would lay them out to gaze upon what they had collected. Somethings would be tossed aside, others given as gifts and others set in a special place.

Gathered.

 Right now life feels scattered. Feelings, plans, schedules, dreams strewn about. Some will be tossed aside, some will be used as gifts and others will be set in a special place. God right in the middle of it all.

God takes His arms and gathers me into them when I can not make sense of life, when I feel scattered. When my thoughts are strewn about and I can not make sense of it all.

Gathered. And loved.         

Link up your FMF post to Kate's blog. 5 minutes, unedited and unscripted.

FMF - Visit

As soon as I saw the word for this week's prompt, I instantly thought of my Mom-Mom and two special visits.

I knew my sister in law was having a baby shower for me to celebrate the arrival of my daughter. But, what I didn't know was that my grandmother and mother were surprising me at the shower. When I opened the door and saw them, it was amazing. I had moved 1300 miles away from my family and to be able to share this special day with them was incredible.

What was more amazing was that my grandmother was going to stay for the whole week and spend time with me and my new family. Mom-Mom didn't like to fly, but made the trip especially for me and was willing to travel home alone, since my mom had to get back for work, and spend extra time with me.

We had so much fun showing her around Dallas and our city. It was so nice to have breakfast with her and attend church with her. It was just such a special time.

Fast forward 4 years and my younger daughter, youngest son and I traveled back home to see my Mom-Mom after she was diagnosed with throat cancer. She was not given much time to live after she chose not to subject her 82 year old body to radiation and chemotherapy. It was a bittersweet visit, but one that I knew I needed to take when things were so uncertain. My husband and oldest son were able to join us for the weekend and spend time with Mom-Mom. It really meant a lot to me to have the there especially since my grandmother had helped raise my son before I married by husband when J was 9 years old.

Rather resistively, I moved back to my home town with my husband and children later that year after what I thought would be the last visit I had with my grandmother. We moved back in August and she suffered a serious setback that revealed that the cancer had spread to her lungs. She moved into the basement apartment with my parents, as we rented the top two floors of their house. My mother worked full time and since I was a stay at home momma at the time with my two toddlers, I was her daily care giver. I got to spend such precious moments with her before she went home to be with the Lord just a short month and a half after she moved in with my parents.

I am so blessed to have had those visits with my Mom-Mom and hope that my grandchildren will cherish the time they visit with me.

Link your FMF post on Kate's blog! 5 minutes, unedited words.

  

The Fringe Hours

A few years ago I stumbled across a blog written by a Christian mother who was dealing with a tragic situation. She was pregnant with her fourth daughter and there was a possibility that the baby may not live past a few hours once she was delivered. I was drawn to Angie's blog for her Christian witness, strength in tragedy and her genuineness. As I continued to read her blog, I started to search through her blogroll for other woman like her to read and connect with through the blogsphere.

That is when I found Jessica and The Mom Creative. I was instantly drawn to Jessica's smile, her creativity and her spunkiness. It seemed like a double blessing when I happened upon a book club Angie and Jessica were starting*. I joined them for several of the books and even purchased two of Angie's books, fulfilling a secret dream of hearing her speak, meeting her and having her (and her daughter, Kate) sign one of the books!

So, imagine my excitement when I saw on Facebook that Jessica was writing a book and was setting up interviews to talk to woman and mothers for research and information. I hesitated at first, but then commented that I would love to talk with her. I was pleasantly surprised when I got a message from her and an interview was set up a few weeks later. I was a bit nervous for our call because I felt like I was going to be talking to a celebrity, a blogging superstar, if you will and I did not want to make a fool of myself. For so long, she and Angie had been my secret best friends and I was totally fangirling at the thought of being able to actually talk to Jessica.   

Per Jessica's welcoming and laid back style, the phone interview was awesome. She was personable and genuine. It was like talking to a best friend. I was excited about her book and thankful that she had allowed me to be a part of the background/research part of it.

I continued to follow her blog posts and Facebook updates about her life and the book. Again, I was anxious when I sent an email saying I would love to be part of the launch team for the book, The Fringe Hours, but I felt like I really wanted to do whatever I could to support Jessica and her first publication.

I hadn't heard anything back about the launch team, but was thrilled when the book arrived in the mail for me to read and preview. I could not wait to start reading it and once I started I had to pace myself so I wouldn't finish it all in one day!

A bit of a back story - I am a wife to my amazing husband, Rick of 14 years. We have a blended family, so I am Momma to 5 kiddos ranging from age 23-10. The 12 and 10 year olds are the only kiddos at home still and we have added three terrific grandkiddos to the mix (ages 4, 2 and 1 month). To say we have a busy family is an understatement as both my husband and I work fulltime in education and our kiddos are involved in many activities. We are also active members of our church. Our time is precious.

And that is one of the reasons I love The Fringe Hours! It is a practical read that allowed me to refocus my needs, priorities and time to make sure I am using my hours of the day, week and month to be the best wife, mother, employee, friend, witness I can be. I love how there are places scattered throughout the book for me to write down answers to questions Jessica asks throughout the chapters to help me really think about and consider how I am using my time and making sure I am taking the necessary time needed for me to pursue my dreams, or finish a project or just be still and rest in my relationship with the Lord.

My husband has always been one to encourage me to take time to do the things I love - I just got back from a weekend trip to TX with my best friend to see Maroon 5 in concert! - but, I have a hard time carving out those minutes or hours for myself. Unless, it is a nap on Sunday! But, The Fringe Hours has helped me be able to listen to my husband's nudging to have coffee with a friend or take that Zumba class or that trip to TX. I really do not think I would have even considered being away from my family for a few days without the prompting from Jessica and her book to realize that taking time for myself is really a gift I can give myself and my family.

I also recently signed up for a training class for my local pregnancy clinic to become a volunteer counseling for women in crisis pregnancies. I have wanted to take the class for years now, but was finally able to take that leap of faith and commit myself and my time to it because of the reminders in The Fringe Hours. And I am going to a Paint Nite next month, something I have been putting off because who will help with the homework or make sure the lunches are packed? My avoidance of taking advantage of my fringe hours is normally fueled by guilt. Not anymore, thanks to Jessica's book!

The laundry will still be there. The homework will get done and maybe I will have to get up early to get the lunches packed. But, it is all okay. Because taking care of me and having time for myself and what drives me and what I love makes me a more efficient housewife, less stressed mom and more attentive wife. Everybody benefits from me using my fringe hours.

Are you afraid to spend some time on the things you love? Or even use some of the budget for getting help around the house or with the kiddos? Don't wait another minute to get Jessica's book, The Fringe Hours. It will literally change the way you look at taking time for yourself and it will improve every area of your life. It is not a quick fix, self help book. It is a deeper look into what you are passionate about and how you can maximize your time to pursue your dreams and talents.

Order the book now! Then come back after you have read it and share your thoughts with me!       

        

FMF - When

When will I stop being so emotional about things, especially when things go wrong? I mean, really, are they going wrong if God is orchestrating things? I do not like not feeling in control of my emotions when circumstances change or go differently in real life than I imagined them in my head.

When will my grown children fully grasp their potential in Christ and live completely and solely for His honor and glory? I want to be able to rest in the fact that my children walk in the truth.

When will I get sick of being overweight and fully commit to a healthy lifestyle and lose this excess weight? I am so tired of being tired and not being able to buy cute clothes and feeling like I am hiding my insecurities behind my weight.

When will I get to start my master's degree? When will I not have to explain my undergrad degree and that I taught for 6 years, that I am totally capable of and worthy of a teacher's certificate and should be teaching in the classroom? I feel like every rejection is directed at me. Why am I not good enough?

When will I stop dancing around my issues and fully commit to an unashamed, intimate relationship with Christ, living life for His honor and glory and in total awe of all He is doing in my life?

When will I publish that book and speak at that event and witness to hundreds?

Maybe Philippians 3:13b-14 should be my focus and my prayer.......

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."   

When will I just let go and let God.....

Link your FMF post to Kate's blog!

Giveaway: All the Fun Things!!

I am participating in #fmfsnailmail and Kaitlyn Bouchillon is hosting a giveaway for participants!

Hop on over to her blog to enter!!

Keep - FMF

I kept telling myself that is was just stress. Two weeks wasn't really that long to be late. I mean, I knew it was possible, but I just couldn't be. Not now.

"You can keep these pamphlets and here is our card." she said after the pregnancy test showed the tell tale plus sign. Her smile was genuine and her concern real. "Thank you.", I said as my best friend cried.

"Of course, you'll keep it.", he said. more sure than I was that all of this was going to work out somehow. "I can't keep it. I can't be pregnant. I started college. I am in the girls' group and choir at church. I just got the Christian Character Award at graduation!" "But, the alternative....." his voice trailed off. I couldn't even get my mind to go there, my lips to say the words, but how in the world was I going to be able to do what I wanted to do and be a mother?

Of course, I will keep him/her. After realizing the depth of the alternative, the finality of any other decision and the realization of the life growing inside of me, there was no other choice.

This new life was a gift from a God that already knew that this is how my story would be written, that the pages on which I was pretending to life out my life, there was an underlying story of promiscuity and deception. But, that in my mess of poor choices and brokenness, something, someone new was being birthed and it, he would be amazing.

I have never regretted that final decision to keep my first born son. Even in the midst of his addictions and incarcerations and lack of direction for his life. I know that there is One who has been directing things from the moment I knew for sure that I was indeed pregnant. And even if right now J is straying from the path God has laid out for him, he will be back soon.

John 10:28, 29
And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand.

Psalm 16:1
Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.

Link up with Kate's blog today and share your KEEP entry!

       

Wait - FMF

As I begin my entry, my son is waiting to use the computer. He has some amazing patience as he seems to wait his turn a lot being the youngest. Waiting to use the bathroom, waiting for his older sister, just waiting. I need some of his patience.

My life verse as been Psalm 27:14 since HS.

^"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."

But , I never thought of the waiting it talks about as a specific waiting, like in anticipation of what God is about to do. I have always thought about it when you are frustratingly waiting at the doctor's office or line at the grocery store. But, it is really like waiting for Christmas or for the arrival of a long awaited for child.

It should be an excited anticipatory waiting, knowing that God has an incredible plan and that the outcome of my praying, yearning and longing is being brought to pass in the right time, right place and with God's miraculous blessing.

But, instead I impatiently shuffle my feet in frustrating waiting forgetting that God has something wonderful planned that He is anxiously waiting to reveal in my obedience and faith.

Oh, to cling to the intended meaning of the verse and live my life anxiously, excitingly awaiting what God has next for me and my family and my future.  

^"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord."

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Just Keep Spinning

At the end of December, my therapist told me to make sure I had changed all of my appointments to 5 PM appointments because she was doing away with the 4 PM time slot and only going to four days a week. No problem since I had changed from 4 PM to 5 PM in September. Then at my first January appointment she told me she was doing away with the 5 PM time slot and would need me to change my appointments to 6 PM or later. I have to call on the first day of the month to secure the 5 PM time slot, so there was no way I was going to be able to change my appointments for January. I was able to do so for February, but 6 PM is a bit late for me since I have kiddos that require homework and night time routine assistance. I felt like she was trying to tell me something without coming right out and saying it.

My therapist is trying to quit me.

And maybe it is time. I mean, how long should I be in counseling anyway? It has been a few years and she said she felt like I was in maintenance mode right now and would do well moving on or staying with her or whatever.

See, she is definitely trying to quit me.

Now, do I switch to another therapist in the practice that can see me at 5 PM or just stop going for now? Not sure, but I have a feeling at my first February appointment she will strongly sublimely suggest one of those options in one way or another.

I always thought I would be the one to end our relationship, especially since she wasn't my first choice in therapists. My first therapist left after a few months to take care of her sickly daughter. But, I have grown accustomed to M's dry sense of humor and quietly disagreeing with me. She is a bit old school, but I feel grounded with her and I am not sure I am ready to take another shot at a therapist.

Found out Rick's university will not accept my undergrad degree, so I will not be accepted into their master's of ed program. I find it a bit odd that I was even hopeful that they would accept me/my degree. See what I did there? Made it personal. I mean, it is personal. I worked hard for four years for that degree, never once taking a break until I graduated four years after starting. Something that should not have happened with me being a single mom on a limited budget.  But, I pressed on when I didn't want to, when I didn't think I could, when I had no idea where the money was coming from for the next semester and no one will accept my stinking degree! Yeah, it is personal. But, some school somewhere will accept it and I will get to start my master's or I will run off with the circus and become a bearded lady. Not really, but I do need to get a handle on these chin hairs.

So, after I found out I my degree was not accepted I thought about the fact that I could just forget the whole master's thing and become a crisis counselor at the local pregnancy center, become a public speaker, start writing books and tour the world. Take that, WGU!

Then I went online and applied at Liberty University. Just waiting for my transcripts to be sent, so I can talk to a counselor and get started on my master's degree. Hope springs eternal.

And Liberty is not the last school I could apply to, either. I have a few other schools to look into, so all is not lost. I am looking into lining up a publisher just in case, though.

My blood pressure is skyrocketing right now. My BP was elevated in October when I first saw my rheumatologist. She started me on Aleve for my osteoarthritis and then I went to my PCP who was also concerned with my BP and was told I added Aleve to my daily meds regimen, so he started me on a water pill asking me to come back in February to see if it was working. Well, I went to see my rheumatologist on Friday for a follow up and my BP was 152/101. I called my PCP, but got the on call doctor since it was the weekend and she was very concerned that I was told to take Aleve daily when it is known to elevate BP. Say what? Does my PCP not know this? So, I stopped the Aleve and took an extra water pill and my pressure was only down to 148/90 by Sunday evening. I have a 2:30 PM appointment for tomorrow. And I seem to be gaining weight a bit too quickly right now. I am not sure if it is because I was late with my menstrual cycle this month or what, but if the scale is right I have gained 10 lbs in about two weeks. I do not seem to be retaining water even though my BP is definitely elevated. Hoping to get some answers at the doctor's tomorrow. And definitely looking into WW or something, because I can not gain another pound. I just can not.

I meant to get on here and write my entry for the FMF post, but wrote this instead. Now it is time to get the boy in bed and watch Chasing Life. Maybe I will get back on before Friday and do my FMF entry.

Maybe.

Maybe not.